As a big gamer this time of year is always fun, as a veritable who's who of gaming descend on Los Angeles for the annual E3 (Electronic Entertainment Expo), generating some of the biggest announcements of the year, mostly from the pre-E3 conferences from all the big hitters. For the first time publishers Bethesda and Square Enix had conferences, on top of regulars Microsoft, Sony, EA and Ubisoft. Just to summarise what I thought of their offerings...
Bethesda: Seemed to do well showcasing Doom and Fallout 4, the latter looked slightly more worthy of this generation of consoles than I thought it was in its reveal trailer.
Microsoft: Had the best show in my opinion - Tomb Raider, Gears of War 4, that game with the robot dog, that unbelievable Minecraft Hololens demo and an insane bit of showmanship with a Ford GT descend from the roof.
EA: They bored with sports and mobile fluff but sent pulses racing with Star Wars Battlefront.
Ubisoft:#girlwood, disappointed Aisha Tyler didn't ask if they were bringing back phrasing, but nice demos of Rainbow Six and The Division. Oh and FUCK YEAH SOUTH PARK STICK OF TRUTH SEQUEL!! I had a chuckle at the For Honor announcement that followed, the fighting stances looked straight from the "Broadway Bro Down" episode.
Sony: Sensational bit of smoke and mirrors, by the end nobody was talking about their poor line up of Christmas exclusives and instead everyone wondered if a HOLE HAD BEEN TORN IN THE FABRIC OF REALITY as The Last Guardian, a remake of Final Fantasy VII and SHENMUE III all made an appearance.
Square Enix:I felt it was a very staid corporate first effort - their opening where they listlessly and monotonously reeled off features in Just Cause 3 was a particular chore. There was a brilliant bit of trolling when they teased Kingdom Hearts III only to talk about the mobile game, although they did show it eventually.
Then there's the elephant in the room. Nintendo also attend E3, but being Nintendo they do things a bit differently. After two consecutive years of apparently being unable to explain the concept of the Wii U at their conferences, they chose to highlight their offerings at the show through a special edition of their Nintendo Direct "Digital Events" instead. This year was no different.
Personally they showed a fair bit of stuff I was really pleased with: the Mario & Luigi and Paper Mario cross over, confirmation Yokai Watch was coming to the West and Xenoblade Chronicles X being out in time for Christmas, a Wii U edition of Mario Tennis to hopefully atone for the lack of content in the 3DS version, and they've got me more interested in Yoshi's Woolly World.
But there's no denying this Direct was very much Nintendo stuck in their "holding pattern" with nothing as Earth shattering as their competitors. In terms of presentation, I think they had the better of the snoozefests from EA and Square Enix (I always love when the company takes the piss out of themselves and the muppet theme this year was no exception), but in terms of revelations and games profiled they seemed some way behind their peers. And it's made people online upset. VERY VERY upset.
So upset that they make ridiculous statements like "I was literally shaking with anger during that conference. Tears formed in my eyes and my fists were clenched." I can understand the disappointment in what was shown, but good God (Lemon) some people really need to get a grip. So many have subsequently sworn off Nintendo, promised never to buy another of their consoles, written off everything they presented and basically gone into full blown hyperbole mode decrying this the worst thing in company history.
I'm not saying they have to feel delighted with what's been offered, there are many valid concerns that have been raised, but I'm still left wondering "how short are their memories?" Don't they remember how Nintendo Direct events only seemed to exist to announce further delays during the first year of the Wii U? Or the Wii bubble bursting with Wii Music? Or the poor line up of titles the GameCube had for Christmas 2005 with the Wii on the horizon? (Mario Baseball, Mario Dance Mix? Odama? Really?) What about Cammie Dunaway, how on Earth could you forget her!? She was TERRIBLE!
Anyway, I thought it was worth addressing some of the complaints and concerns that came out of the conference and see if something positive can be salvaged...
"Where was the new Zelda for Wii U" - They already explained before the event that it was delayed into 2016 so they decided not to show it at E3. It was funny hearing the stories about Aonuma-san playing the Triforce Heroes multiplayer so much, I think we found the real reason for Zelda Wii U being delayed(!) Speaking of which...
"Another multiplayer Zelda? I'm out." - Most people were probably just saying they've only played or prefer main-line Zelda games, but there still seemed this weird portion of the fan base that took exception to Nintendo doing Zelda experiences designed for people to enjoy together. How dare Nintendo want people to share the fun! The 3DS has already had the two N64 remakes and A Link Between Worlds as far as single player goes, I think it's healthy to try something different.
Leather jacket guy from IGNLive: "Eww, the new Starfox has motion controls"
I'm only paraphrasing, but it's a big catch 22 for Nintendo - they make games that don't do much with the gamepad: people moan, they make games that use the gamepad: people moan. The gamepad is the Wii U's USP, it should be used more. One concern I do share about the game is the poor graphics (it looked like one of those PS2 ports from the Wii's boom period) but overall the game seemed to show more variety than I expected and Platinum Games' involvement has really piqued my interest.
"Why wasn't there any news on a new Pokemon?" - I'm guessing these were people expecting a Pokemon Yellow/Crystal equivalent for X&Y (Z?), but it still caught me off guard a bit and I think people don't realise how relatively spoilt they've been with how prolific the series has been recently (it's surprising how close we've been to getting a game a year, which is no mean feat for something the size of Pokemon).
"Make a proper new Metroid/Animal Crossing Wii U game, not these stupid spin offs"
This pair of announcements were definitely where Nintendo misjudged their audience the most.
I don't care for Animal Crossing myself, but I knew many were anticipating a full on Wii U version (maybe a fan could explain what a Wii U version would add to the game, as an outsider I thought after the DS and 3DS versions of the game it was generally agreed the franchise was at its best on portable consoles?) so when I saw they were essentially doing a Mario Party 10 clone with AC characters I knew there'd be trouble. The only consolation I can offer is the new Amiibos look gorgeous and that the Amiibo modes were supposedly the best part of Mario Party 10, so it could turn out to be fun.
On a similar note Metroid Prime Federation Force is an even stranger proposition in the face of very vocal support for a return to the franchise proper. It essentially seems like a more cooperative version of DS game Hunters with a more Mii-friendly art style. Although the Blast Ball element of the game seemed to interest people at the World Championships (before it was announced what exactly it was) the negative reaction to this game has been enormous, including a change.org petition to cancel it because it will disgrace the franchise. Now look, I'm not that interested in it at this point and I would have preferred a proper Metroid game too, but come on, let's not condemn a game you've seen all of five minutes of. If Other M couldn't kill people's appetite for the franchise I'm sure it'll be fine after this game's release too.
Stop making games nobody asked for" - Similar to the above I guess. Nintendo are infamous for marching to the beat of their own drum at times, and if that results in a game you have no interest in it can be frustrating. But let's not forget that Nintendo operating on a totally different plane has yielded great results in the past. I mean, did you ever ask for Splatoon? Or Pikmin? Or WarioWare? Because I certainly didn't, but the results turned out quite well didn't they?
"You've killed the Wii U/are holding back for the NX"
With the company revealing to investors they're developing their next console and the Direct containing fewer Wii U announcements than people would have liked this is a very real concern. While the Wii U has already amassed arguably the best line up of exclusives of this generation, I'm sure many owners are worried they've invested in a system with no future beyond what they're enjoying now, while those who are yet to invest will have only been made more reluctant. Just look at all those people who bought a PS4 even though it had no games that appealed to them at the time they bought it - the mere promise of what's to come in the future for a console cannot be overlooked as far drawing people in to buying it.
The only thing I will say is this: Nintendo said they'd TALK to us about NX in 2016. It doesn't necessarily mean they're gearing up to release the console that year. It's very likely the NX will merely be unveiled at E3 next year, and equally likely to launch in 2017 (possibly Holiday season). Indeed if you look back to the Wii U (unveiled 2011, launched 2012) and 3DS (unveiled 2010, launched 2011), the general pattern seems to be that Nintendo unveil a new console at E3 but don't release it until the next calender year. So there is hope.
If anyone is considering purchasing a Wii U, I'd advise them to look at whether the games already released and announced for release on the system appeal to you and make your decision based on that. Don't make any assumptions about what's to come or base your decision on prospective releases that aren't announced yet.
"Anything non-Mario in Super Mario Maker is stuck behind a paywall because you need Amiibos to get them" - I often go back and forth over how far Nintendo should go when it comes to the content rewards you get from Amiibo, but the example given here is just totally ridiculous! The clue's in the title, Super MARIO maker, you shouldn't be surprised you can only play as Mario!!! And it's not as if Nintendo have denied you a vital game mechanic by not being an Amiibo owner, it literally just re-skins Mario and gives him some new sound effects, it's a minuscule extra to reward those who invested in Amiibos.
"Nintendo literally showed no new games." - To be pedantic, that's wrong, there were new games. Even if like many you predicted Yokai Watch's Western release or something Animal Crossing related on Wii U, I doubt you predicted every single game that was shown. Or you mean they showed no new games that INTEREST YOU, which I've much more sympathy for.
Urgh those last couple were a bit negative, so I'll try to close on a more positive note. Firstly, there were a fair few releases coming up that weren't profiled in the Nintendo Direct broadcast - Devil's Third, Project Treasure and Project Zero (Wii U), Chibi Robo Ziplash and Little Battlers Experience (3DS) and all of the upcoming eShop releases (including new Earthbound and Mutant Mudds games), so there might be a bit more to get you interested.
Finally, don't forget that people hated the cell shading in The Wind Waker at first and it's now become a fan favourite style for the series. People were angry when Super Mario 3D World was unveiled for being too similar to the 3DS game when people wanted a Mario Galaxy, and people ended up loving it. Many were aghast when the Wii's controller was unveiled and it wound up getting more people enjoying games than ever up to that point in time. So if you feel let down by the showing this year try not to totally dismiss or write off anything you've seen, some of these games could still turn out to be rewarding and fruitful beyond the negative first impressions they've made.
Right, I'm off to play some Professor Layton, adios.
March 14th 2004, Madison Square Garden, New York City, New York
Attendance: 18,000
* The Harlem Boys Choir sing "America The Beautiful" and look great in their uniforms and practically filling the ring. They play clips of the superstars with the troops and finish on the virtual New York skyline that forms the basis of the entrance way.
* The intro starts with Vince looking smug in a dark empty room, then clips of Mania through the years and the superstars talk up the Garden and what tonight will mean. Rock's voice breaks when he says his family will be there. Big Show: "You haven't lived, you haven't BREATHED until you've danced at Wrestlemania." It ends on the evening's catchphrase "where it all begins... again" and Vince with Shane and his baby grandson. Excellent!
* I loved the way the Garden looked here, with the big spotlights giving the place a great atmosphere and making it look much bigger than it is.
Match 1: WWE United States Championship Match - Big Show(C) vs John Cena
Cole calls Cena "Smackdown's fastest rising star". John asks everyone to make some noise which gets a Cena chant. See, smarks liked Cena once upon a time. He raps insults about Show, calling him a "King Kong rip off" and "the hippo float from the Macy's parade". "Everybody knows he can't see me. I'm itchin' to beat him, like a penis with an STD." The US title looks so small on Show.
Show overpowers and weathers Cena's brawling early, but Cena hot shots him on the top as Cole talks up Show's MSG record. Crossbody up top... caught by Show, easily slamming Cena for 2. MSG: "Let's go Cena!" Cena gets clotheslined, slammed, choked with the bottom rope, then hit with a massive suplex for 2. Tazz mentions both men's "pound and ground"(?). Cole: "Big Show is just toying with John Cena here." Cena tries a flurry but Show superkicks him (always cool - so too are Cena's Nintendo themed sweatbands). Final cut legdrop gets 2.
Cena counters a slam with a sleeper but gets squished in the corner. Cobra Clutch by Show ("Oh my God he did a move!") to a smattering of boring chants. Cena finally fights out and avoids being avalanched in the corner twice. The second time Show's head hit the buckle, allowing Cena to hit the FU!!! 1... 2... NO! Cole claims Show's the first person to kick out. Cena threatens to whack Show with his chain, but instead throws it across the ring. While the ref picks it up, he grabs one of his "Word Life" knucks and hits Show with it! FU again! 1... 2... 3!
Winner: John Cena (NEW Champion, first reign)
Verdict: 3.5/10. This would become the Cena formula for years. Show had a couple of nice moves but this was really a very rudimentary way to get Cena over.
* Coach and his tux greet Dr Tom Pritchard, Johnny The Bull and Teddy Long backstage. He meets Bischoff (with Johnny Nitro), who's heard of strange occurrences because The Undertaker is here, and wants Coach to find him. He's not comfortable but concedes Eric's the boss.
* Evolution are in the stair well as Randy recounts the feud with Rock N Sock Connection: kicking Foley down that same stair well, Foley walking away from an IC title match and being spat on, The Rock coming in (Flair's face is a peach when this gets mentioned). Orton says Mick's time has passed... it's just Evolution. Nothing can stop them making history and after it began in June in MSG tonight it all begins... again.
Match 2: Fatal Four Way World Tag Team Championship Match - Rob Van Dam & Booker T(C) vs La Resistance (Renee Dupree & Rob Conway) vs The Dudley Boyz vs Garrison Cade & Mark Jindrak
Sign in the crowd: "Farooq is my daddy". Jesus, Book and RVD have a SHITE remix of "One of a Kind" and Book's WWE Originals song. Rules - two men in at once, you can tag anyone, first pin or submission wins. King OPENLY talks about RVD and Book being a thrown together team.
Van Dam does his shoulder routine and monkey flip on Dupree, then catapults him into Booker's superkick for 2. Book runs wild on La Resistance so they tag Bubba. A tie up goes nowhere so Bubba brawls and gets a neckbreaker for 2. MSG: "We want tables!" Bubba tries a flip flop n fly but Book heel kicks him. Cade and Jindrak distract the ref, so D-Von sneaks in with a reverse hangman DDT. Jindrak tags Bubba and covers Book for 2. Tag to Cade, who punts Booker only for Dupree to tag in for the near fall.
Conway in with a surfboard RESTHOLD. Conway: "USA my ass!" At the second time of asking Book fights out with a spinebuster as the crowd chant RVD. Dupree and RVD tag in. Windmill kicks for all! THERE'S A CAMPO SIGN IN THE CROWD!!! Van Dam goes for the Five Star but D-Von shoves him into the barricade. A big schmoz ends with the Dudleys trying to 3D Book only for Cade to break it up. Conway DDTs D-Von then eats a scissors kick from Booker. Five Star Frog Splash from Van Dam! 1, 2, 3!
Winners: Rob Van Dam & Booker T (still champion)
Verdict: 4/10. Nothing special here, very unremarkable and only Book and RVD were even vaguely showcased here.
* A crew member shows Coach where the "freakish noises" are coming from. He goes there... to find Mean Gene Okerlund with his shirt hanging out! Bobby The Brain Heenan is then out with his shoes off, shirt undone and lipstick all over him. He says they were just playing poker. Coach isn't convinced... then Mae Young and The Fabulous Moolah pop out! The guys try acting surprised but the ladies get right back to it. Mae: "Let me show you my puppies." They get pulled back in against their will. Brain: "I don't wanna go back in, I haven't been well." His arm gets stuck in the door trying to close it. King: "I think I see denture burns on Bobby The Brain Heenan."
* The video package for Christian vs Y2J covers their bet over Lita and Trish, Jericho falling for Trish and Christian flipping out and putting the Walls of Jericho on Trish!
Match 5: Christian vs Chris Jericho
King: "I tried to tell [Jericho] from the get go, women and wrestling don't mix." JR: "...Well there could be something to be said for that, but that's another story for another day." Tim White is the ref, his first match since Jericho injured his shoulder in Hell in the Cell and his last before that dreadful suicide gimmick.
Christian shoves Y2J after a clean break, so Jericho socks him, keeping control with a reverse elbow and back suplex and countering a leapfrog with a clothesline. Christian tries shitcanning Jericho, but he hangs on, lures the CLB back and backdrops him to the outside! Double jump crossbody to the outside by Jericho to Y2J chants. Back in, Y2J counters a sunset flip with the Summerslam 92 finish for 2, then immediately goes for the Walls only for Christian to get the ropes. Thumb to the eye and back suplex over the top by Christian! Sign in the crowd: "Paul London = Ratings".
Christian beats his chest proudly, scoring a near fall with a knee to the gut. Another Walls attempt is countered with a thumb to the eye and a spin wheel kick for 2. Both men knock noggins and are down for a six count. Flying forearm by Jericho. "Come on CLB!" Drop toehold to the ropes, a rough rider and enzughiri gets 2. Both trade near falls with victory roll exchanges (Christian using the ropes), then a Jericho Northern Lights Suplex that Christian bridges out of. Bulldog by Y2J. Lionsault... Cap gets his knees up! Unprettier... countered but he hits a wicked tornado reverse DDT instead! 1, 2... no.
Sleeping neckbreaker by Jericho. Christian answers with an inverted backbreaker. He heads up top... superplex attempt... Christian slams Jericho off. Crossbody... Jericho rolls through! 1, 2... NO! Y2J hurt his knee coming off the top, so Christian locks in a Texas Cloverleaf to Y2J chants. He escapes and goes for the Walls again! Christian reaches the ropes and crawls out, but Jericho hangs on and locks in the Walls outside!! He breaks the count and takes Christian up top. White: "Bring him in dammit!" Jericho obliges with a butterfly superplex! He eventually covers for a near fall.
Trish is here! King: "I bet she came out here to make jogging a spectator sport." MASSIVE Impaler DDT by Christian! He covers twice but comes up short both times. Trish is on the apron, and the CLB drags her in. Jericho shitcans him and checks on Trish... who elbows him thinking it's Christian! Who sneaks in quick as a whippet to schoolboy Jericho for 3!!!
Winner: Christian
Trish looks shocked, Jericho disappointed. She checks on him. Christian's back but Trish is pulling Y2J back from him... so she can slap Jericho twice! Unprettier!!! Ah, that infamous heel turn that made Trish instantly look twice as hot. King: "C'mon JR, you know everything, what just happened?" Trish and Christian then make out on the ramp! King: "The two tongue tango!"
Verdict: 8/10. Finally a quality encounter. This feud didn't feel like a Wrestlmania feud, more like something that could happen at any time of the year, but they put in a Mania worthy performance and busted out some different spots to make it feel important (Christian's shoutout to Edge with the impaler being the most welcome). Ace.
* Lilian's with Mick Foley backstage. He hopes his hatred for Evolution doesn't get in the way of his and Rock's plans. Woah woah woah MICK FOLEY!!! FINALLY, THE ROCK (and his goatee) HAS COME BACK TO NEW YORK CITY! Rock admonishes Lilian for looking at the People's package. "The buffet is closed!" This is Mick Foley's night and he's going to point out everyone around who knows it. Hurricane and Rosey. DON MURACO AND JIMMY SNUKA (who both promptly "SHAKA BRAH!" when on camera), and the people know it! He gets a camera to sneak through the fire doors to look at the crowd, then promises to slap the lips off Evolution's faces. IF YA SMELLLLLLALAHA WHAT THE ROCK (AND SOCK) IS COOKIN'!!!
Match 4: Handicap Match - Evolution (Ric Flair, Batista and Intercontinental Champion Randy Orton) vs Rock N Sock Connection (The Rock and Mick Foley)
Lots of WOOOs when Flair's name was announced. There's a tiny sign behind Orton as he poses: "The future Mrs Orton". It's Foley's son Huwey's first birthday!
Rock n Sock bum rush the ring and clean house. Rock and Flair start, Rock strutting after shoulderblocking Naitch down. Flair WOOs in retaliation as the fans chant Rocky. Baaack body drop. Flair retreats outside and thumbs Rock in the eye when he gives chase. Backdrop on the outside! Foley come off he apron with the elbow! BANG BANG! Great spot, drawing Foley chants. Flair tags Orton so Rock tags Foley. Orton lures him out only to get battered, and put in the tree of woe back inside. Foley elbows him and tags Rock, who punches him in the nuts when the ref wasn't looking (just). Ouch. Naitch cheapshots Rock and pays for it, but when Orton whips Rock Batista low bridges the rope to send him out and hot shots him on the barricade.
Flair tags in and chops the fuck out of Rock. "How 'bout that huh?" He struts away only to get clotheslined down (to some boos) and goes up top but naturally gets pressed off. Batista tags in only to get clotheslined! Tag to Foley. Million dollar knee lift. He tries a double arm DDT but gets powered into the corner. He flurries out of it - BANG BANG! - but gets clotheslined down trying the knee. Dave sends Mick outside, but when Orton sneak attacks he gets choked. Naitch makes the save then Orton sends Mick into the steps! Tag to Flair. Foley tries to flurry back but Flair hooks a toehold and tags Randy, who fishhooks Mick. JR: "[Foley] was here the night Jimmy Snuka leaped off the cage onto Hall of Famer Don Muraco." King: "And he was wearing the exact same shirt that night."
Batista in with short arm clotheslines and mounted punches, but Foley hooks the Mandible Claw! His team mates save him, but when he lowers his head on a whip Mick gets a neckbreaker. Tags to Flair and Rock! Clothesline to Naitch. DDT to Orton. He brings Dave in the hard way, shitcans Orton but eats a Spinebuster! Flair is begging to do the People's Elbow, but Rock nips up while he strutted and spit punches Naitch after some strutting of his own. DDT to Batista. Spine on the pine to Flair! The most ridiculous move in sports entertainment... People's Elbow! 1, 2... Flair kicked out! Thumb to the eye. Tag to Orton... who runs into a Rock Bottom! Flair pulls Rock off the cover, then gets the ref's attention while Dave hits a massive clothesline and Batista Bomb on Rock! 1, 2... NO! Rock crawls toward Mick. King: "It's hard to miss Mick Foley." He gets the tag! Foley cleans house. Double arm DDT to Randy. Here's Socko!!! He's stalking Orton for thRKO OUTTA NOWHERE!!! 1, 2, 3!
Winners: Evolution
Verdict: 8/10. The show's starting to hit its stride in ring. I loved the interactions between Rock and Flair, but there was great work all round. It's surreal seeing Orton and Batista get a piece of someone like Rock so early in their careers.
* Highlights of the Hall of Fame ceremony the night before are shown. It's weird seeing it at just some hotel after years of it being in theatres and arenas. Seeing Heenan get emotional missing Gorilla Monsoon was touching. Okerlund then comes out to parade the inductees to the crowd. Wow, the cut of Muraco - luminous sneakers, a flower shirt and baseball cap! Pete Rose is in a powder blue suit that's too big for him, and is the only one to get booed. Greg Valentine looks suspiciously like Dusty Rhodes. Sergeant Slaughter has camo under his suit jacket haha. Jesse Ventura looks genuinely chuffed to be there.
Match 5: Playboy Evening Gown Match - Sable & Torrie Wislon (r/ Smackdown) vs Miss Jackie & Stacy Kiebler (r/ Raw)
God I forgot Miss Jackie was ever a thing. Her theme is crap too. Apparently Tazz won a coin toss to get him and Cole to call this match and King is pouting about it haha. Tazz: "Don't worry I'll get his line in - PUPPIES!" Sable says her and Torrie would like to start the match out of their gowns, because fuck the stipulation. Jack Doan unzips her. Oh, Stacy's taking hers off too, she's in pink and black undies. Cole to Tazz: "I always thought pink and black should have been your colours." Jackie is the only one not to, so Sable mares her into the ring and strips her with Torrie.
Crossbody from the top by Torrie gets 2. Stacy tags in, taking her time getting in to the crowd's delight. Her spots are all leg based naturally - cartwheeling out of an Irish whip, headscissors, a standing foot choke and roundhouse kick. They trade titilating sunset flip counters before Jackie tags in. Tazz: "I want the hot blonde to win!" They roll over the ref while cat fighting before finally Torrie reverses a reverse victory roll for 3 and full moon's Jackie.
Winners: Sable & Torrie Wilson
Verdict: 2/10. It was a different time back then. Move along, nothing to see.
* Eddie Guerrero walks backstage, his WWE Championship looks great on him. He shakes hands with Paul London, Spike Dudley, Orlando Jordan and Billy Gunn on the way to Chris Benoit's locker room. He's pacing intently, Eddie warning he might wear a trench in the floor. Eddie tries a ploy to fire up Benoit saying win or lose he'll be there and Benoit's all "woah, easy on the lose there". It seems to work.
Match 6: Cruiserweight Championship Open
This is like a singles version of Tag Team Turmoil: two men start and elimination is by pin, submission, DQ or count out, except all the participants are at ringside from the start. The champion, Chavo Guerrero, will enter last. I love how Nunzio was announced as weighting "201 and one quarter pounds". Rey Mysterio is in an amazing Flash outfit.
ULTIMO DRAGON and SHANNON MOORE start. Nice Owen Hart armwringer escape by Dragon. They trade pin attempts before Dragon dodges a corkscrew moonsault and hits the Asai DDT for 3. JAMIE NOBLE Pearl Harbours Dragon with a short-arm clothesline for 2. Dragon flips out of a backdrop and hits a flurry of kicks. He lands on his feet when Noble ducks a moonsault and goes for the Asai DDT again but Noble hits a nice neckbreaker counter and ironically gets the tap out with the Dragon Sleeper. FUNAKI immediately tries a crossbody from the top but Noble rolls through for 3!
NUNZIO tries buddying up to his kayfabe cousin but doesn't get far. They trade escapes and Nunzio gets near falls from a victory roll and big second rope dropkick. Noble sends him out and hits a heelo to the outside. They both keep jerking each other off... the apron trying to beat the count, until Noble plants Nunz face first on the floor to survive. BILLY KIDMAN tries to backdrop him back out, and when Noble lands on his feet Nunzio jerks him off. Baseball slide by Kidman, who balances on the top, and holy shit SHOOTING STAR PRESSES BOTH MEN TO THE OUTSIDE! Back in, Kidman tries a powerbomb but gets put in the Dragon Sleeper. He backdrops out and hits an enzughiri, goes up for the Shooting Star, and when Noble goes to cut him off he gets the SUPER BK BOMB for 3!
REY MYSTERIO comes in with a seated senton only to eat a MASSIVE dropkick. Rey dropkicks Billy out, but with the ref distracted Akio hangs his throat on the top rope. BK Bomb. 1, 2... no. Kidman puts Rey up top, but he fights back with a sunset flip driver off the top for 3! TAJIRI is next, ducking a moonsault to lock in the TARANTOOLA. Hand spring elbow... countered with a dropkick! 619! West Coast Pop gets dodged and Akio holds Rey on the apron, but he ducks the mist and it blinds Akio! Victory roll... gets the 3! And AKIO can't compete because of the mist, so CHAVO has to enter now.
While he argues with the ref Tajiri cheapshots Rey, and Chavo covers for 2. Rey comes back with the West Coast Pop but doesn't cover, instead dropkicking Chavo Sr. off the apron. The ref stops him diving out though, so while the ref conveniently gets between the top and middle rope to admonish Sr, Rey leaps over him with a heelo! He tries to sunset flip Chavo from the apron but Chavo sits down and Sr holds his hands for extra leverage for the 3!
Winner: Chavo Guerrero (still champion)
Verdict: 6/10. Whew, that was done at a breakneck pace. It was hard to have a proper story with so many quick eliminations but there were some great spots. Noble, Kidman and Rey got some time but still deserved more.
* JR talks up the next interpromotional match but King can't get over the first one: "That was a slobber knocker wasn't it? I provided the slobber and they provided the..." JR: "I got it." The video for Lesnar vs Goldberg covers their Rumble confrontation and Bill costing Brock the title at No Way Out. Mr. McMahon wasn't convinced anyone could maintain order in a match between them, but after Sheriff Stone Cold needles him about it he eventually booked it with Austin as the ref.
Match 7: Brock Lesnar (r/ Smackdown) vs Goldberg (r/ Raw) Special Guest Referee - Stone Cold Steve Austin
Austin drives his ATV he's had since starting his Sheriff gimmick. Lesnar kidnapped it for a while but Austin retrieved it on Smackdown. Lesnar has a terrible goatee. MSG actually partake in some Goldberg's chants initially. It's funny hearing JR give this match the hard sell knowing what's coming... I think we all know the story. Both Lesnar and Goldberg were leaving after this and the crowd couldn't give a flying fuck about either of them, chanting "You sold out" and "Hey Hey Hey Goodbye" at Brock, who's leaving for the NFL.
Fans chant for Austin as they take an eternity to lock up. This is the only match you'll see where the ref is the most over person in the match. When they FINALLY lock up... it's a stalemate. And again. The crowd sounded somewhat interested in getting behind Goldberg until they saw the state of the match, chanting "This match sucks" as we get basic shoulderblock exchanges. The final one knocks both down. JR: "This crowd getting impatient." Finally a real move, as Goldberg hits a gorilla press into a spear! He goes for the spear proper, only to eat turnbuckle. MSG: "Goldberg sucks."
At the third time of asking Brock hits a suplex for 2, then another and an immediate RESTHOLD. Bill hiplocks out, twice, and both men get knocked down again to what sounds like a Hogan cosplayer getting ejected to Hogan chants. JR: "A very pedestrian, mat-oriented contest." That's an outright burial as far as JR goes! Goldberg fights back with clotheslines and a swinging suplex neckbreaker. Spear! 1, 2... no. Bill gets in Austin's face about it. F-5! 1, 2... no. Now it's Brock who's pissed at Austin. LESNAR tries a spear, but hits the post. Another Goldberg spear. Jackhammer! That gets the 3.
Winner: Goldberg
The camera pans over the fans looking displeased. Lesnar flips them off for starting another "Goodbye" chant, then flips Austin off, so he quite rightly eats a Stunner. Austin asks for beer as Goldberg comes back for some. Steve toasts one corner (YAY) and Bill another (BOO). STUNNER TO GOLDBERG!!! If only that had been 5 years ago...
Verdict: 2/10. The absolute drizzling shits. Jesus it took them 15 minutes to work through 4 minutes of wrestling, all because they were heading out of the door and couldn't be arsed. A pathetic disappointing non-event.
* Randomly we get some pyro outside MSG, we're about two and a half hours in... is this half time? Is this a five hour show?!
* Vince comes out, saying without the fans Mania may never have begun in the first place, so he thanks them for putting up with that stinker making WWE and Mania what it is today.
Match 8: Fatal Four Way WWE Tag Team Championship Match - Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty(C) vs the World's Greatest Tag Team (Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas) vs APA ( Farooq & Bradshaw) vs The Bashams (Doug & Danny)
Benjamin slaps Bradshaw to start (what a hero) before getting stiffed. Doug tags in when he tries the Clothesline From Hell though, so Shelton's roll up doesn't matter. Atomic drop and tag to Danny, who hits a spinning back suplex for 2. Shelton tags Charlie and slams Danny over his knee for 2. Jawbreaker by Danny and Scotty tags in, eventually hitting a nip up suplex and moonwalking. Scotty starts skinning the cat when he's thrown over the top but gets caught in WGTT's leapfrog double team for a near fall. Scotty escapes a bearhug with a reverse victory roll but Doug tagged in and kicked him off. Double slingshot suplex by the Bashams who isolate Scotty.
Enzughiri by Scotty, and Kish gets the tepid tag! He beats everyone up, double clotheslining WGTT and DDTs a Basham (while continually slapping him which was weird) for 2. Shelton waistlocks Kish like an idiot and deservedly gets bum tackled out of the ring. Butt bump and stinkface to Haas! Bradshaw in with a boot to Kish, and then he fallaway slams Doug over the top onto WGTT! CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL to Danny. He tries the same on Kish but eats a Samoan Drop, then Kish standing Banzai Drop's Danny for 3.
Scotty worms and the champs dance to FARTY PYRO and minimal reaction to celebrate.
Verdict: 4/10. Looked like it was going to be a step down from Raw's tag title match until that great closing stretch. There was still very little crowd interest though.
* Jesse Ventura comes back out to interview somebody and YAY it's Mr. Personality, Mr. "I eat my pizza with a fuckin' fork" Donald Trump. Jesse compliments his hair. Trump says Vince is a nice guy and he'd back Ventura if he went back into politics, leading Jesse to conclude "We need a wrestler in the White House in 2008." That obviously didn't happen.
* The barber's chair is ready for the Women's title match. If Molly Holly loses she'll get her hair shaved. As Howard Finkel announces this stip JR quips "Howard's already lost his match, obviously."
Match 9: WWE Women's Championship Match - Victoria(C) vs Molly Holly
Victoria nips up out of an arm wringer and rolls Molly up for 2. Molly takes a time out to lure Victoria outside for a clothesline, then gets a near fall with a snap suplex, snapmare and front dropkick combo. King somehow starts talking about Granny panties and JR rightly shits on him for it. King: "Makes me think JR, do you like Granny panties?" Victoria comes back with a jackknife cover, kicks and a powerslam all getting 2. Molly hot shots her onto the bottom rope and goes for the Molly-go-round but gets cut off, so she fights back with a sunset flip powerbomb from the top for 2. She tries Victoria's own finisher, the Widow's Peak, but Victoria backslides out for the sudden 3!!!
Winner: Victoria (still champion)
Molly realised what's happened and tries to high tail it, but it's a ploy to get Victoria in the barber's chair! The clippers cut out when she tries using them though, and in the commotion Victoria sprays hairspray at her and gets her in the chair. It's got chest and wrist straps! What kind of barber's chair is this!? She starts the shaving as the fans chant baldy. Victoria: "You have such beautiful hair Molly."
Verdict: 4/10. Competently wrestled but not many people cared.
* Eddie vs Kurt is profiled next, including Kurt randomly attacking Eddie and taking issue with a former drug addict being champ (rich coming from a former pain killer addict). Eddie wound up in a match with his hands tied behind his back against Smackdown GM Paul Heyman and Kurt took advantage by beating him up with a taped fist.
* They cut to the still ongoing haircut and it's really drastic. Tazz: "She looks European now".
Match 10: WWE Championship Match - Eddie Guerrero(C) vs Kurt Angle
Cole says Eddie would be only the fifth man in history to successfully defend the title at Mania if he wins. It didn't sound like he got that big a pop but at the bell we get a barrage of EDDIE chants.
Nice chain wrestling to start gets some respectful applause. More standing switches then Eddie escapes a headlock with a headscissors to another standoff. MSG: "Let's go Angle/Angle sucks". Kurt gets the first knockdown after more chain wrestling, and Eddie replies with more fluent wrestling and a shoulderblock causing Kurt to take a breather. He comes back and switches out of Eddie's fireman's carry with a front facelock to a smattering of USA chants. He shoots the half a couple of times for near falls before Eddie backdrops out and armdrags him. This is beautiful so far.
Kurt escapes the Three Amigos trying the triple Germans, then tries backdropping Eddie outside, and when he hangs on Kurt slides out and tries to GERMAN EDDIE OFF THE APRON! YOU CRAZY!? Cole: "Eddie Guerrero hanging on for dear life." He elbows out, goading Kurt back in only to dropkick him off the apron. An impatient Eddie heads up top... his splash eats the barricade! Kurt zones in on the midsection with a front backbreaker and bodyscissors. Eddie jawbreakers out but gets hotshotted on the top rope from a head of steam for 2.
Kurt controls with belly to belly suplexes for near falls. Cole: "Kurt Angle is wrestling a picture perfect game plan tonight." He takes Eddie up top but gets headbutted off. Rope run suplex attempt... Eddie shoves him off again. Froggy splash... MISSES! Excellent exchange. Kurt starts hitting Eddie with straight right hands ala the Smackdown attack, but Eddie just asks for more and fights back with a back suplex for 2. Three Amigos... Angle floats out and starts the Germans. Eddie counters with a victory roll for 2 but gets clotheslined. Angle Slam... Eddie armdrags out. Three Amigos! Uno! Dos! But Tres is countered with the anklelock! Eddie kicks him off, then Angle runs into a dropkick.
Another froggy splash attempt... Kurt runs the ropes to suplex Eddie off! 1, 2... no! MSG chant for Eddie but THE STRAPS ARE DOWN! Anklelock! Eddie rolls through - 1, 2... NO! German by Angle who tries the Angle Slam again... but Eddie PLANTS him with a DDT. He goes up top. FROGGY SPLASH! 1, 2... NO!!! MSG and Eddie are in disbelief. Kurt's deadweight... but suddenly hooks the anklelock! Eddie's in agony, but rolls through again to send Kurt out to big Eddie chants. He undoes his boot a bit to relieve the pressure. Kurt spots it and Eddie has that "oh shit" look on his face. Kurt reapplies the hold, but Eddie kicks at his boot... it goes flying off his foot while in Kurt's hands!!! Small package with his feet on the ropes! 1, 2... 3!!!
Winner: Eddie Guerrero (still champion)
Verdict: 9/10. Thank Christ, the show was calling out for a match like this. This was just something to behold, beautiful wrestling, a great story, back and forth. Stellar work all round.
* A video covering how "the dead will rise again" is next. Kane buried his brother The Undertaker alive out of disgust for how human he became. So naturally he's been haunted by supernatural vignettes, starting with Taker's gong going off at the Rumble. Kane's attempt at Taker's eye roll is shit. He recovered the coffin Taker was buried in but only found the urn... and then the ring rose up with him still stood in it!
Match 11: Kane (r/ Raw) vs The Undertaker (r/ Smackdown)
In a cool spot, the virtual NYC skyline catches fire after Kane's pyro. That's only the start of the awesome though... Kane keeps mouthing "I buried you alive" as the lights go out and we hear the infamous "Ohhh yeeeeeah!!!" as PAUL BEARER comes out holding the urn, flanked by Druids with flaming torches who make a guard of honour. Bearer: "You're no son of mine!" The GONG chimes to a massive pop, and then an even louder one greets ZOMBIE COWBOY TAKER stepping through the curtain. Kane shits himself. Bearer beckons him onwards as MSG chant for Taker and he brings back the lights. Kane is freaking out. "I BURIED YOU ALIVE!" The atmosphere is so incredible that the fans pop for Taker just taking his hat off, thus they'd make it a proper spot for the rest of his career. MASSIVE Undertaker chants echo throughout.
Kane: "You're NOT REEAL!!!" He reaches for Taker... and eats soupbones! Taker scares the ref out of the ring when he tries to keep order. JR: "Referee running for his life, and who can blame him?" Kane U-turns away from a chokeslam attempt to lure the Deadman outside but gets driven HARD into the apron. Apron legdrop! JR: "That is classic Undertaker offense." Two tables away Michael Cole must be despairing! Back in, Taker hits some massive avalanches. Bearer: "How d'you like that boy? How'd you like the pain?"
Kane counters the Last Ride and mounts Taker after a big boot. "I told you not to come back you sunovabitch." Hey, he's slagging his own Ma there! Taker switches out and beats him up, again scaring the ref only to fall victim to a sidewalk slam and flying clothesline from Kane for 2. When Kane's avalanche misses Taker hits a HUGE boot and legdrop (suck on that Hogan). He goes for Old School... but Kane catches him by the throat coming off the top! "I told you not to come back!" They both fight for chokeslams but it's Kane's that comes off. Bearer: "Damn you Kane!"
Kane laughs maniacally instead of covering. "Look at your Undertaker now!" He raises his hands in victory... and Undertaker sits up! Soupbones. He ducks his head on a whip and gets punted but no sells. Flying clothesline! Chokeslam! The crowd call for a Tombstone and Taker slashes his throat... Tombstone Piledriver! Death pin! 1, 2, 3!
Winner: The Undertaker (12-0 at Wrestlemania)
Verdict: 5/10. The match itself was fairly unremarkable but the spectacle of Undertaker returning to the deadman gimmick was truly something to behold. Throughly watchable.
* The video package for the main event covers HBK and HHH drawing in the Last Man Standing Match at the Rumble, while Benoit won the Rumble entering from number one and challenged HHH the next night. Ridiculously, Shawn winds up signing the match contract instead of Benoit, somehow earning him a shot too.
Main Event: Triple Threat World Heavyweight Championship Match - Triple H(C) vs Shawn Michaels vs Chris Benoit
MSG don't seem too enthused about Shawn, probably for politicking his way into Benoit's shot. Benoit's Tron is scratched into the cityscape - nice. Much like Eddie, it didn't sound like he got a very big pop only for the crowd to chant for him vehemently at the start of the match. Ah yes, after his bicycle shorts phase, here we have the start of HHH's white boots phase.
Benoit and HBK keep fighting over who batters HHH to start. The final time Shawn has to escape a crossface attempt and starts a chop war with Benoit - are you crazy!? Benoit whips Michaels into Hunter, then tries the crossface again out of a bridging exchange but gets rolled up for 2. Great Northern Lights Suplex gets 2 only for Shawn to clothesline him, cueing Triple H's return. He tries to shitcan Shawn, who skins the cat and unintentionally helps Hunter shitcan Benoit. BAACK body drop by HBK is met with "You screwed Bret" chants. H comes back with knees to both men, but when he sends Benoit to the apron Shawn baseball slides them both. Moonsault to both men on the outside!
He drags H back in (great continuity) for a near fall. Facebreaker by HHH but Benoit interrupts the Pedigree attempt. He knees the fuck out of HBK only to fall prey to the Bret buckle bump and get hooked in a Tree of Woe by H. Hunter whips Shawn into Benoit while he's in the Tree! He tries again but Shawn reverses and Benoit gets a foot up. Flying forearm and nip up by Michaels but Chris shitcans him. Triple Germans to Triple H! He goes for the headbutt but HBK crotches him. Hunter ducks a superkick to DDT Shawn and climb up to Benoit. King: "Both men literally pounding each other." *whit-woo*. Superplex gets 2. MSG: "Let's go Benoit!"
Pedigree... countered to the crossface! Shawn breaks it up and Germans Benoit to big heat. Chris quickly reverses with the triple Germans and flying headbutt! 1, 2... no. King: "Oh man, Triple H didn't even realise how close he became to being an ex-champion." Forearm by Shawn sends Benoit out. Nip up. HBK comeback special to Trips! SWEET CHIN MUSIC. 1, 2... Benoit pulls H out of the ring! Shawn chops Chris (again!?) but gets catapulted to the top of the post, prompting him to blade and wind up in the crossface! Shawn's going to tap... but H stops his hand hitting the mat! Ace. Trips tears up the Smackdown table, but Benoit tries to suplex him on the Spanish one! HBK interrupts, glances wordlessly at Hunter... they DOUBLE SUPLEX BENOIT THROUGH THE SMACKDOWN TABLE FROM THE SPANISH ONE!!!
MSG: "Holy shit!" Shawn, bleeding profusely, implores HHH to get back in the ring. JR: "Michaels is saying I don't give a damn, get in the ring, we're going to do it." *whit-woo*. H bumps over the top into a cameraman from a whip to the corner, then his face eats the post and knees hit the steps all at once, prompting a blade job and Michaels to accidentally elbow a camera. Shawn attacks the wound back inside but eats a Pedigree! It takes a while (ala vs Booker last year) but H covers. 1, 2... BENOIT breaks it up! King: "Did the EMTs throw him in the ring!? How did he get up!?"
H tries to Pedigree Benoit but gets locked in the Sharpshooter! He claws his way to the ropes only to get pulled back. Superkick to Benoit!!! 1, 2... NO! Big Benoit chants. HBK tunes up the band, but Benoit ducks to electric chair Shawn to the outside! Hunter goes for the Pedigree again... Benoit get the crossface!!! H is fading reaching the ropes, trying desperately to roll out, but Benoit holds on and Hunter winds up even further from the ropes. TRIPLE H TAPS OUT!
Winner: Chris Benoit (new champion, first reign)
Thunderous ovation for that finish. Eddie comes out and infamously hugs Benoit with tears in his eyes amid streamers and confetti. It's pretty uncomfortable to think both men would be dead within three years...
Verdict: 9/10. Your tolerance of this match in retrospect will depend on how well you can disassociate it from what became of Benoit and put up with the praise in light of what he did. I personally still got absorbed in the high drama, great workrate and interesting dynamics of the match. You had both HBK and Benoit trying to dethrone HHH as well as Hunter and Shawn wishing Benoit wasn't there so they could settle their personal score. Despite a fair bit of "one man dumped out, the other two have a singles match" booking many of the ways the dumped guy reinserted themselves were great and gave the match a brilliant flow. Final Thoughts: This is a close one. Again, your opinion may differ depending on your view of the Benoit tragedy, but even without that history hasn't been kind to this show in my view. It gets heralded as one of the all time classic Wrestlemanias but there is so much middle of the road stuff you have to trawl through (Cena vs Show, both Tag Title matches, the Women's title match) as well as some outright stinkers (the Playboy match and Lsenar vs Goldberg). Buried among all this are two great matches (Christian vs Jericho and the handicap tag), two classics (the two World Title matches) and one more big Wrestlemania moment in the form of the return of undead Undertaker (although you could arguably include two more depending on how much historical value Cena's first title win has and whether you find some morbid entertainment in trainwrecks like Lesnar vs Goldberg).
In the end I cheated and stuck with this set not just because of the high points of the actual show, but for the quality of the extras in the DVD set. A I mentioned in a prior post you also got excellent documentary "The Mania of Wrestlemania" with the show as well as a neat little Top Ten Matches of Wrestlemania countdown hosted by Ric Flair that's a neat nostalgia ride. The show itself gets a marginal recommend (just skip to the good stuff) while the DVD set gets a slightly heartier recommendation.
WWE Survivor Series 2003 November 16th, American Airlines Center, Dallas, Texas Attendance: 13,487
* Awesome opening video, one of my favourites, talking survival - "Defy destiny, cheat fate, side step certain damnation" and the featured matches, although there was a dodgy line about the "technical prowess" of Kurt Angle's team when it's got Cena, Bradshaw and Holly in it. This show also had one of my favourite commericals for it, where WWE supersatrs beat up a bunch of American Football players.
* A (sort of) freshly turned babyface John Cena comes out with a pretty funny rap saying the PPV is ass-backwards - the main event is on first! He calls his partners afterbirth, ponders if he could trade them for a one night stand with Sable, and outlines the fate of Team Lesnar.
Match 1: Traditional Survivor Series Match - Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, John Cena, Bradshaw, Hardcore Holly) vs Team Lesnar (WWE Champion Brock Lesnar, United States Champion Big Show, Matt Morgsn, Nathan Jones, A-Train)
Cena has replaced an injured Farooq. Cole calls Team Lesnar "the largest team ever assembled for Survivor Series" and I swear he calls Jones "the colossus of Bugger Road!"
Holly assaults Brock right away because he broke his neck last year, sending him to the steps and shoving the ref on his arse to get DQed HOLLY ELMINATED. The bell finally sounds with Bradshaw and A-Train starting. Bradshaw counters a Vader Bomb with a boot and dodges an avalanche to get the CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL for 3! A-TRAIN ELIMINATED. Show comes in and Bradshaw wants another clothesline but Jones knees him in the back. Chokeslam by Show gets 3. BRADSHAW ELIMINATED
Cena tries to FU Show and everyone's all "WTF". Tag to Brock. When shoulderblocking doesn't work Cena chopblocks Lesnar and gets near falls with schoolboys before he's clotheslined down. Tag to Morgan, who isolates Cena with generic big man stuff, aside from a nice jumping leg drop and sidewalk slam, and double teams him with Jones. Show: "Who's gonna beat you down ALL NIGHT LONG?" Cena escapes a Lesnar snake eyes and hits the throwback for 2. Tag to Benoit and he chops the fuck out of Brock. He escapes with an impressive stun gun and clothesline. Show tags in, hitting a HUUUGE Gorilla Press. "KISS MY ASS ANGLE!" Benoit counters the chokeslam with the crossface though, so Brock breaks it up.
World's largest abdominal stretch, with Jones holding his hand for extra leverage, then a really cool final cut legdrop that forces Angle to save the fall. The heels try beating up Benoit outside with the ref distracted but the faces schmoz with them. Benoit ducks a big boot from Morgan and tags Angle! German Suplexes and dropkicks for everyone! Jones accidentally boots Morgan! Angle Slam! 1, 2, 3! MORGAN ELIMINTED. Jones hold Angle for Show to clothesline him but Angle ducks and shitcans Show. THE STRAPS ARE DOWN! Anklelock on Jones... who taps out! JONES ELIMINATED. Lesnar immediately come in and F-5s Angle for 3. ANGLE ELIMINATED.
Benoit in and he works Brock's shoulder after a missed corner shoulder charge. F-5... countered to the crossface! Brock rolls through for a near fall but Benoit hooks him again in the centre of the ring! The crowd are begging for a tap out... and Lesnar obliges!!! LESNAR ELIMINATED. Dallas: "YOU TAPPED OUT!" Show tries an avalanche but Benoit dropkicks his knee and his face hits the buckle. Flying headbutt to a standing Show! That gets 2. Show powers Benoit into the corner, which allows Cena to tag. Chokeslam to Benoit! Cena hits Show with the chain! Oh my God he hoists up Show... FU!!! 1... 2... 3!!!
Winners: John Cena and Chris Benoit
Verdict: 7/10. Entertaining bout. Lots of quick eliminations and Angle got some decent stuff out of the big lugs with his hot tag - it picked up when he came in after a fairly ordinary spell of the heels in control. The final two eliminations felt very important.
* Vince McMahon walks backstage to talk to his son Shane, drawing parallels between their fights with the Brothers of Destruction. He feels protected by a higher power but Shane just feels sorry for him. Vince walks away to find Stone Cold! They start laughing at each other, probably imagining each other's fates tonight, only for Austin to pull a straight face to spook him.
Match 2: WWE Women's Championship Match - Molly Holly(C) vs Lita
Sigh, JR and King speculate over Molly's virginity - I though that gimmick was done? Lita runs wild early with a hip toss, monkey flip, and nip up suplex but takes a nasty spill outside when Molly counters a headscissors. She viciously sends Lita to the barricade and focuses on the neck to Lita chants. After a hand spring elbow she grounds Lita further, but Lita skins the cat in the corner to go up top. King: "You can't keep a good Lita down can you?" Her crossbody gets a near fall.
Corner 10 punch by Lita, then a roll up gets 2 only to walk into a sidewalk slam for 2. Molly tries the corner 10 punch - "I'll show you who's boss! You don't mess with me!" - but Lita powerbombs her for 2. JR and King credit Molly for keeping Lita grounded. Side Russian Legsweep by Lita, who goes for the moonsault... Molly moved! She goes up top... and hits the Molly-Go-Round! 1... 2... NO! Molly throws a tantrum and exposes the turnbuckle but gets rolled up for 2. Hot shot into the turnbuckle! That's all she wrote, giving Molly the 3.
Winner: Molly Holly (still champion)
Verdict: 5.5/10. It got a bit sloppy at times with some odd offense by Lita, but they got the crowd into it and produced a solid match.
* Video package for Kane vs Shane, starting with Kane Tombstoning Linda McMahon, then recapping the crazy shit they did to each other. Kane: "A burning dumpster didn't stop me. Crashing me into a tractor trailer didn't stop me. Don't you get it? There is NOTHING that can stop MEEE!" He also electrocuted Shane's balls. Good lord.
Match 3: The Final Encounter Ambulance Match - Kane vs Shane McMahon
You win by putting your opponent in the ambulance parked on the aisle and closing the doors. Kane's pyro goes off right next to the ambulance so King thinks it blew up!
Jesus, right at the start Kane nearly necks himself bumping for a Shane cross body over the top to the outiside!!! Scary. He gets the steps but Shane whacks a steel chair into them. He batters Kane with a monitor, sets him up on the Spanish table and goes up top... elbow drop through the table! KANE SITS UP!!! So Shane baits Kane to go backstage. But the fucking camera cuts out. JR absurdly postulates Kane knocked the cameraman down. The picture's back soon as we see Shane sprinting away from Kane. By the time Kane reaches the camera, Shane's running up behind him and batters him with a kendo stick! He finds a 4x4, and reverse it into Kane, who falls through a toll booth, nearly necking himself again!!
Shane radios in another ambulance. "I told you I'd put you out of your misery!" He gets a gurney to drag Kane in there but Kane puts the breaks on and throws Shane into the walls. "This will be the end of you!" He throws Shane into a wheelie bin and the camera cuts out again! BOOO. A fresh one initially without sound finds Kane clattering Shane into production crates. They reach the stage and ambulance, Kane throwing Shane on the bonnet, Shane's head cracking the windscreen. Shane counters a snake eyes and starts shoving Kane into the ambulance. He then hits Kane with a SICK shot opening the ambulance door into his face!!! I swear you could see Kane's head reverberate after the door hits him. He fights back and almost gets Shane in the ambulance, but Shane kicks the door in his face and hits a lovely Matrix/parkour escape from being thrown at the door, DDTing Kane on the floor.
Conveniently Shane finds a trash can inside a crate, sets up Kane next to the barricade with the can and a box, then climbs the ambulance roof and VAN TERMINATOR'S KANE FROM THE ROOF! King: "See this is what's crazy about Shane, he may just destroy himself in the process of trying to destroy Kane." Dallas: "Holy shit!" Shane tries dragging him into the ambulance but Kane blocks and ragdolls him into the ambulance with throws, powerslams and a snake eyes, drawing Shane O Mac chants. Kane: "This will be the end for you." Tombstone on the floor allows Kane to shove Shane in the meatwagon for the win.
Winner: Kane
Verdict: 7/10. I'm a big mark for Kane & Shane's teen slasher Halloween schtick. The tech problems backstage hurt things but the spots around the ambulance at the end were neat.
* Josh Matthews interviews Brock Lesnar who ludicrously claims he didn't lose or tap out. "Line up anybody in this entire frickin' world and I will beat them single handedly." ...enter World Heavyweight Champion Goldberg! He introduces himself, then seems bemused Brock didn't wish him luck for his match before moving on. Brock looks pissed.
* Coach is out in a neckbrace. He was 3Ded by the Dudleys last week. He acts like he's talking about the Ambulance Match but is talking about his own recovery, thanking fans for their get wells. King: "He probably received get well cards from the nurses." JR: "We stopped out show for this?" He spots Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban in the front row and interviews him. Things turn sour when Cuban says Austin will win, prompting Eric Bischoff to arrive. King: "What is happening here JR?" JR: "I don't know. What happened to the Survivor Series?" Eric invites Cuban into the ring, saying HE rented this building tonight and threatens to personally eject Cuban. Cuban laughs it off, so a shoving match ensues and naturally Eric gets shoved on his arse. RKO OUTTA NOWHERE!!! The Legend Killer strikes again. Sign guy is in the crowd with a sign of Randy Orton's head saying "Total Idiot" haha. Um anyway, why did that take so long?
* Evolution are backstage with ladies. Flair wants the girls to take it easy on Hunter and they toast him as the next World Champion. Orton sprints back and one of the girls plays with his nipple. Flair: "WOOOO! We're havin' a party Randall!" Orton's all "you see what I did dad?" and says he'll do the same to Austin tonight. HHH gets them to toast again.
Match 4: WWE Tag Team Championship Match - The Bashams(C) (w/ Shaniqua) vs Los Guerreros (Eddie and Chavo)
Shaniqua has a whip and the champs are in BDSM gear. Cole needles Tazz for knowing all about it.
Los Guerreros bum rush the ring and clear out the Bashams. Eddie (who the crowd love) goes for Shaniqua but the Bashams save her. He hits the Three Amigos for 2. Chavo comes in with a basement dropkick, then a heelo by Eddie gets 2. He tries the ropewalk Frankensteiner, but the other Basham comes in so he makes it a simultaneous arm drag and headscissors. Nice! The Bashams regain control with a double stun gun, then Shaniqua clotheslines and slams Eddie outside with the ref distracted! Double slingshot suplex gets 2.
Eddie comes back with a headscissors and tags Chavo to no (Latino) heat. He cleans house, getting a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2. The champs come back with a double flapjack. Doug tries a superbomb on Chavo but Eddie saves him and Frankensteiners Doug off the top! Heelo by Chavo gets 2. Eddie gets backdropped outside. The heels try double teaming Chavo but he counters a body press from one Basham into a dropkick on the other. Nice! Stereo clotheslines and er'body down. Shaniqua comes in but Chavo clotheslines her down to his first real pop all night! Eddie hits the Froggy Splash on Shaniqua! Chavo takes her to the woodshed but the Bashams return. Chavo hits a tornado DDT but accidentally kicks Eddie while doing it. A Basham schoolboys Chavo with the tights to get 3!
Winners: The Bashams (still champions)
Eddie's mad but Chavo convinces him his fight isn't with him. DISSENSION.
Verdict: 6.5/10. Not bad at all but NO ONE cared about Chavo! It's weird to think Eddie would be champion come Wrestlemania season watching this, given he was selling for The Basham's manager so much (and she didn't return the favour when he hit his finisher!)
* The video package for Team Austin vs Team Bischoff shows Austin getting fired, re-hired as co-General Manager, whuppin' too much ass and only being able to touch people if they hit him first. This leads to much trolling from Raw superstars disrespecting his authoriTAH including great footage of Batista saying he's lost his nerve, calling him a "God damn coward".
Austin: "Stone Cold stands for two things. 1. Don't trust anybody. And 2. Whup as much ass and raise as much hell as humanly possible." He's tired of being unable to do 2, so Bischoff has a proposal... but it involves going back on 1: pick teams for a Survivor Series match. If Austin wins he can do what he wants but if Bischoff wins Austin is gone.
Match 5: Traditional Survivor Series Match: Team Bischoff (Mark Henry, Chris Jericho, Christian, Scott Steiner, Randy Orton w/ Stacy Kiebler and Theodore Long) vs Team Austin (Booker T, Intercontinental Champion Rob Van Dam, World Tag Team Champions The Dudley Boyz, Shawn Michaels)
Everyone comes out to Bischoff & Austin's themes. The crowd fucking love Austin and Shawn. Jericho tells Austin bye-bye but Austin says he'll see him tomorrow.
D-Von and Christian start with nice arm wringer exchanges before Christian slaps the taste out of D-Von! That gets him taken down. Dallas: "We want tables!" Steiner: "SHUT UP," Tag to RVD, who escapes the corner and gets a great kick for 2. Jericho in with chops. RVD does his shoulder routine and they trade near falls with a Northern Lights Suplex and an enzughiri. Steiner in now with whips, chops and poses. "Shut up Booker T!!" RVD gets near falls with a crossbody and windmill kick, but Steiner avoids further flips and kicks to nearly fucking drop Van Dam on his head with a belly to belly! Push ups! There's a pretty good Foley cosplayer in the crowd. A much safer belly to belly and another from the top rope gets near falls.
Somehow RVD tags Booker, who lights up Steiner with chops and strikes, but gets Steinerlined and elbowdropped. Book fights back and gets the scissors kick! Spin-a-roon-i! Spinebuster gets 2 and it's breaking down! Everyone's brawling and Steiner low blows Book with the ref distracted. Steiner Recliner. Stacy gets on the apron to cheer for Booker which pisses off Steiner. The Dudleys sneak in with a reverse 3D! Book end! 1,2,3! STEINER ELIMINATED. Henry squares off with Book, who stupidly tries a crossbody only to be caught in the World's Strongest Slam for 3. BOOKER T ELIMINATED.
None of RVD's kicks can get Henry down while one Henry clothesline is enough to level Rob. He sneaks a tag to Bubba who's all "fuck this" laying in rights but runs into a brick wall trying to splash Henry down! Long: "You're the World's Strongest Man!" Bubba tags D-Von, but when they try to double whip Henry he just stays put and whips them into each other - cool spot. D-Von ducks an avalanche and you can see the sweat fly from Henry hitting the buckle. Holy shit 3D to Henry!!! FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH BY VAN DAM! Everyone piles on for the cover to get 3! Great elimination. HENRY ELIMINATED.
Jericho in only to be faked out by Van Dam with a split legged moonsault for 2. Orton tags in for the first time and gets an excellent clothesline. RVD fights back with educated feet and the Rolling Thunder, then goes up for the Five Star again, but Y2J pushes him off and Orton gets the RKO for 3! RVD ELIMINATED. D-Von in with a backdrop Orton only flips for right at the last second. He gets near falls with a legdrop and top rope headbutt. Blind tag to Y2J who gets hits a dropkick for 2. Christian distracts the ref when D-Von gets the advantage and gets battered, only for D-Von to walk right into a sleeping neckbreaker by Y2J for 3. D-VON ELIMINATED.
Bubba scores a big sidewalk slam on Jericho for 2. HBK comes in for the first time! Corner 10 punch on Jericho, and then he jumps off to give one to Christian. He gets double teamed by Y2J and Orton though. JR: "Jericho was a big fan growing up of Shawn Michaels. Randy Orton was a big fan of his mirror growing up." HBK just about hangs on to the ropes to counter a dropkick and tags Bubba, who cleans house on a freshly tagged Christian. Samoan drop to Orton. He goes to Bubba Bomb Jericho but gets low blowed when the ref was distracted. Unprettier! 1,2,3! HBK's all alone. BUBBA ELIMINATED.
Flying forearm by Shawn! Nip up! Reverse piledrive! Y2J low bridges him out and double teams him with Orton. Christian catapults him to the post and Shawn's busted open. He beats on the wound and takes the piss out of Shawn's pose. Unprettier... countered... Sweet Chin Music! For the 3! CHRISTIAN ELIMINATED. Jericho in, flipping Shawn in the corner and clotheslining him for 2. Orton in with chokes. "Bleed you sunovabitch." Sleeper by HBK! Orton desperately escapes with a back suplex and tags Jericho to HBK chants. DDT by Shawn. He sends Orton over the top from a head of steam but gets bulldogged by Y2J. Lionsault... Shawn got the knees up! He's stirring... Superkick ducked... Walls of Jericho... no, Shawn rolls him up. 1, 2...3! He's evened the odds!!! Y2J ELIMINATED.
Jericho is pissed and whacks HBK with a chair, flipping off Austin. Why doesn't the ref just DQ Orton? HBK is flat out as Orton slithers in. 1... 2... NO! Orton goes up top, but Shawn just collapses and the crossbody hits the ref! Jesus! Big Austin chants. Shawn wants to tune up the band, but Bischoff cheap shots him. AUSTIN NAILS BISCHOFF! STUNNER TO ORTON sold that like a champ! Austin takes Bischoff up the aisle... to beat him up. Batista's here! BATISTA BOMB TO HBK! JR: "For the love of God no!" Orton covers. 1... 2... 3!
Steve's shirt says it all
Winner: Randy Orton (sole survivor)
Verdict: 9/10. One of the all time classic Survivor Series matches. I was impressed with the booking of Henry and pretty much everyone brought the goods here, especially Y2J, RVD and Christian keeping the early going smooth, Bubba with the hot tag and HBK with one of the greatest face in peril performances ever. Top class stuff.
* Post match Austin checks on Shawn and walks him to the back. Nice little call back to their "oil and water" tag team. He comes back out, and we see the ring is still covered in Shawn's blood. He takes a while but eventually recounts starting in Dallas, and if it's going to end at least it ended in Dallas too. "It's been a hell of a ride... I love the shit out of you guys". Before he can leave out comes Coach with security, singing "Na Na Na Na Goodbye", asking for an interview. Apparently Austin said Coach was the first person he wanted to see post match. Coach has just one question: how does it feel to be finished? Steve's had enough and batters Coach and the security. He tears Coach's neckbrace off, stomping a mudhole in him! JR: "Watch him walk it dry!" STUNNER! He asks for some Ste-wisers and toasts the fans in each corner, then leaves a pair of beers in the middle of the ring ala amateur wrestlers leaving their boots in the ring to signal retirement.
* Tazz and Cole get serious talking about Austin, Tazz even taking his glasses off. They tease Austin's greatest rival, Mr. McMahon, could be finished tonight too and cut to a video package for the Buried Alive match. Vince screwed Taker out of the title and said "as long as I'm breathing in and breathing out you'll never be WWE Champion." Taker: "Well I guess it's time he stops breathing in and out."
Match 6: Buried Alive Match - Mr. McMahon vs The Undertaker
You win by putting your opponent in the grave next to the entrance and filling it with dirt - there's a pay loader full of the stuff. I forgot they tried calling Taker's fans the Pain Sin-dicate. He comes out sans bike to a somewhat muted response - people are still gutted Austin is gone. You could tell he was growing his hair out for a return as dead Taker. Vince walks out with his hands clasped in prayer and even prays in the corner.
As if trying to top Shawn's blade job earlier, Vince blades after ONE PUNCH!!! And it's a gusher. Taker's staying more mute early, no doubt again prepping for a return to the undead gimmick. He just batters Vince with blood pouring from his head. He pulls Vince's balls into opposite corner posts! Cole: "So much for the grapefruits!" Taker: "This is for my wife." Cole says Vince threatened to have her raped! Jesus Christ!!! Taker chokes Vince with production cables and whacks him with a monitor as blood covers the floor and Smackdown announce table. Taker: "We're just getting started."
He heads to the grave just to get a shovel, whacking the boom camera pole with it on the way back, then swings it right at Vince's head!!! That was sickening. He now lays Vince's leg on the base of the steps, and uses the other bit to crush Vince's ankle! Vince gives it the hard sell. Taker fireman carries him to the grave, but when they get there Vince throws dirt in his eyes, gets a low blow, and finds a shovel to whack Taker into the grave! The fall dislocated Taker's shoulder, but he pulls McMahon back in and heads to the dump truck to pour dirt on, but some pyro goes off in his face! THAT'S GOTTA BE KANE!!! He sends Taker to the grave, pulls Vince out and grabs Taker's bandanna, laughing maniacally while Vince works the truck. It dumps A SHIT TONNE of dirt on Taker from 15 feet in the air and Vince wins!!!
Winner: Mr. McMahon
Verdict: 2/10. The worst match I've seen doing these reviews. This was like a parody of the Vince vs real wrestler formula that peaked with his match with Hogan in my opinion - Vince gets battered, has a disgusting blade job, then hits literally a couple of moves to cheat to win. Urgh.
* They must be running really late because they TNA the shit out of the fact Taker is buried alive - no replays, a shot of Cole and Tazz acting shocked so we can see Vince's blood on their table, then it's straight to a video package for the World Title match! It highlights Goldberg's title win at Unforgiven and the bounty Hunter put on his head. Stevie Richards(!), La Resistance and Henry all try, but it's a returning Batista who cashes in, Pillmanising Goldberg's ankle. It's still injured going into this match.
Main Event: World Heavyweight Championship Match - Goldberg(C) vs Triple H (w/ Ric Flair)
H is STILL in his post-groin surgery bicycle half shorts. JR points out he's NEVER won at this event! Yikes. Vince's blood still covers the ring. Sign guy has a "HHH, THE HONEYMOON IS OVER" sign in reference to his recent wedding to Stephanie. Goldberg's ankle is heavily taped.
Naturally Bill gets the better of a brawl to start, but Flair won't leave the ring. SPEAR super early! Flair chops him (the bell to start hasn't rung so there's no DQ) but it's no sold and he gets backdropped and shitcanned. NOW the bell sounds. Goldberg presses Hunter on the barricade. H begs off in ring but gets front powerslammed. Bill tries a gorilla press but his leg gives way. HHH chopblocks him and Flair distracts the ref, so Hunter drapes the leg over the base of the steps and whacks it with a chair! DAMMIT D'LO!!! H and Naitch take turns distracting the ref while the other works over the leg or chokes Bill. King: "Goldberg doesn't have a leg to stand on in this match."
Shit half crab by HHH. He tries crotching Bill around the post but eats the post himself. Clothesline back inside and both men are down. Powerslam countered to more chopblocks, but a figure four attempt is countered and Hunter clatters into the ref. He's got brass knucks. The power of the punch! 1... 2... NO! H is furious and batters the ref with an elbow. Hunter's got THE DAMN HAMMER! But Bill kicks him away. Flair goes up top but gets pressed off. JR: "It hasn't worked in 30 years!" Clotheslines for all. Bill's got the hammer, hitting Flair in the gut, then an interfering Orton and Batista. Hunter counters the Spear and tries a Pedigree, but Bill backdrops out. He grabs the hammer again but thinks better of it. SPEAR. JACKHAMMER! 1,2,3! JR: "Good God almighty who's your daddy tonight!? ...[Goldberg] literally destroyed Evolution with their own weapon."
Winner: Goldberg (still champion)
Verdict: 3/10. Guh. I HATED it when WWE would needlessly extend Goldberg's matches just so he could "learn to work" and do things their way. I might not have minded if Triple H had brought the goods but he was in no shape to carry Bill at this time, sticking to punch kick stuff focused on the ankle. Bollocks. Final Thoughts: On the whole I thought this was a pretty middling show really. The two Survivor Series matches delivered (Smackdown with a good opener and Raw with an all out classic) and the ambulance match was great fun, but then there were a couple of unremarkable matches, the final two matches were DIRE and there was lots of time wasting too with Cuban and Austin. I had fun watching this show back in the day but going back now the bad really lets it down. Definitely track down Team Austin vs Team Bischoff but other than that there's nothing to go out of your way for. So in a first, this show is one I've decided to sell! I got £4 for it from CEX which I was quite pleased with. Part of me will miss it but the highlights of this show are really easy to track down so no loss.
