Stick or Twist: WWE Survivor Series 2003

WWE Survivor Series 2003
November 16th, American Airlines Center, Dallas, Texas
Attendance: 13,487

* Awesome opening video, one of my favourites, talking survival - "Defy destiny, cheat fate, side step certain damnation" and the featured matches, although there was a dodgy line about the "technical prowess" of Kurt Angle's team when it's got Cena, Bradshaw and Holly in it. This show also had one of my favourite commericals for it, where WWE supersatrs beat up a bunch of American Football players.

* A (sort of) freshly turned babyface John Cena comes out with a pretty funny rap saying the PPV is ass-backwards - the main event is on first! He calls his partners afterbirth, ponders if he could trade them for a one night stand with Sable, and outlines the fate of Team Lesnar.

Match 1: Traditional Survivor Series Match - Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, John Cena, Bradshaw, Hardcore Holly) vs Team Lesnar (WWE Champion Brock Lesnar, United States Champion Big Show, Matt Morgsn, Nathan Jones, A-Train)

Cena has replaced an injured Farooq. Cole calls Team Lesnar "the largest team ever assembled for Survivor Series" and I swear he calls Jones "the colossus of Bugger Road!"

Holly assaults Brock right away because he broke his neck last year, sending him to the steps and shoving the ref on his arse to get DQed HOLLY ELMINATED. The bell finally sounds with Bradshaw and A-Train starting. Bradshaw counters a Vader Bomb with a boot and dodges an avalanche to get the CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL for 3! A-TRAIN ELIMINATED. Show comes in and Bradshaw wants another clothesline but Jones knees him in the back. Chokeslam by Show gets 3. BRADSHAW ELIMINATED

Cena tries to FU Show and everyone's all "WTF". Tag to Brock. When shoulderblocking doesn't work Cena chopblocks Lesnar and gets near falls with schoolboys before he's clotheslined down. Tag to Morgan, who isolates Cena with generic big man stuff, aside from a nice jumping leg drop and sidewalk slam, and double teams him with Jones. Show: "Who's gonna beat you down ALL NIGHT LONG?" Cena escapes a Lesnar snake eyes and hits the throwback for 2. Tag to Benoit and he chops the fuck out of Brock. He escapes with an impressive stun gun and clothesline. Show tags in, hitting a HUUUGE Gorilla Press. "KISS MY ASS ANGLE!" Benoit counters the chokeslam with the crossface though, so Brock breaks it up.

World's largest abdominal stretch, with Jones holding his hand for extra leverage, then a really cool final cut legdrop that forces Angle to save the fall. The heels try beating up Benoit outside with the ref distracted but the faces schmoz with them. Benoit ducks a big boot from Morgan and tags Angle! German Suplexes and dropkicks for everyone! Jones accidentally boots Morgan! Angle Slam! 1, 2, 3! MORGAN ELIMINTED. Jones hold Angle for Show to clothesline him but Angle ducks and shitcans Show. THE STRAPS ARE DOWN! Anklelock on Jones... who taps out! JONES ELIMINATED. Lesnar immediately come in and F-5s Angle for 3. ANGLE ELIMINATED.

Benoit in and he works Brock's shoulder after a missed corner shoulder charge. F-5... countered to the crossface! Brock rolls through for a near fall but Benoit hooks him again in the centre of the ring! The crowd are begging for a tap out... and Lesnar obliges!!! LESNAR ELIMINATED.  Dallas: "YOU TAPPED OUT!" Show tries an avalanche but Benoit dropkicks his knee and his face hits the buckle. Flying headbutt to a standing Show! That gets 2. Show powers Benoit into the corner, which allows Cena to tag. Chokeslam to Benoit! Cena hits Show with the chain! Oh my God he hoists up Show... FU!!! 1... 2... 3!!!

Winners: John Cena and Chris Benoit

Verdict: 7/10. Entertaining bout. Lots of quick eliminations and Angle got some decent stuff out of the big lugs with his hot tag - it picked up when he came in after a fairly ordinary spell of the heels in control. The final two eliminations felt very important.

* Vince McMahon walks backstage to talk to his son Shane, drawing parallels between their fights with the Brothers of Destruction. He feels protected by a higher power but Shane just feels sorry for him. Vince walks away to find Stone Cold! They start laughing at each other, probably imagining each other's fates tonight, only for Austin to pull a straight face to spook him.

Match 2: WWE Women's Championship Match - Molly Holly(C) vs Lita

Sigh, JR and King speculate over Molly's virginity - I though that gimmick was done? Lita runs wild early with a hip toss, monkey flip, and nip up suplex but takes a nasty spill outside when Molly counters a headscissors. She viciously sends Lita to the barricade and focuses on the neck to Lita chants. After a hand spring elbow she grounds Lita further, but Lita skins the cat in the corner to go up top. King: "You can't keep a good Lita down can you?" Her crossbody gets a near fall. 

Corner 10 punch by Lita, then a roll up gets 2 only to walk into a sidewalk slam for 2. Molly tries the corner 10 punch - "I'll show you who's boss! You don't mess with me!" - but Lita powerbombs her for 2. JR and King credit Molly for keeping Lita grounded. Side Russian Legsweep by Lita, who goes for the moonsault... Molly moved! She goes up top... and hits the Molly-Go-Round! 1... 2... NO! Molly throws a tantrum and exposes the turnbuckle but gets rolled up for 2. Hot shot into the turnbuckle! That's all she wrote, giving Molly the 3.

Winner: Molly Holly (still champion)

Verdict: 5.5/10. It got a bit sloppy at times with some odd offense by Lita, but they got the crowd into it and produced a solid match.

* Video package for Kane vs Shane, starting with Kane Tombstoning Linda McMahon, then recapping the crazy shit they did to each other. Kane: "A burning dumpster didn't stop me. Crashing me into a tractor trailer didn't stop me. Don't you get it? There is NOTHING that can stop MEEE!" He also electrocuted Shane's balls. Good lord.

Match 3: The Final Encounter Ambulance Match - Kane vs Shane McMahon

You win by putting your opponent in the ambulance parked on the aisle and closing the doors. Kane's pyro goes off right next to the ambulance so King thinks it blew up!

Jesus, right at the start Kane nearly necks himself bumping for a Shane cross body over the top to the outiside!!! Scary. He gets the steps but Shane whacks a steel chair into them. He batters Kane with a monitor, sets him up on the Spanish table and goes up top... elbow drop through the table! KANE SITS UP!!! So Shane baits Kane to go backstage. But the fucking camera cuts out. JR absurdly postulates Kane knocked the cameraman down. The picture's back soon as we see Shane sprinting away from Kane. By the time Kane reaches the camera, Shane's running up behind him and batters him with a kendo stick! He finds a 4x4, and reverse it into Kane, who falls through a toll booth, nearly necking himself again!!

Shane radios in another ambulance. "I told you I'd put you out of your misery!" He gets a gurney to drag Kane in there but Kane puts the breaks on and throws Shane into the walls. "This will be the end of you!" He throws Shane into a wheelie bin and the camera cuts out again! BOOO. A fresh one initially without sound finds Kane clattering Shane into production crates. They reach the stage and ambulance, Kane throwing Shane on the bonnet, Shane's head cracking the windscreen. Shane counters a snake eyes and starts shoving Kane into the ambulance. He then hits Kane with a SICK shot opening the ambulance door into his face!!! I swear you could see Kane's head reverberate after the door hits him. He fights back and almost gets Shane in the ambulance, but Shane kicks the door in his face and hits a lovely Matrix/parkour escape from being thrown at the door, DDTing Kane on the floor.

Conveniently Shane finds a trash can inside a crate, sets up Kane next to the barricade with the can and a box, then climbs the ambulance roof and VAN TERMINATOR'S KANE FROM THE ROOF! King: "See this is what's crazy about Shane, he may just destroy himself in the process of trying to destroy Kane." Dallas: "Holy shit!" Shane tries dragging him into the ambulance but Kane blocks and ragdolls him into the ambulance with throws, powerslams and a snake eyes, drawing Shane O Mac chants. Kane: "This will be the end for you." Tombstone on the floor allows Kane to shove Shane in the meatwagon for the win.

Winner: Kane

Verdict: 7/10. I'm a big mark for Kane & Shane's teen slasher Halloween schtick. The tech problems backstage hurt things but the spots around the ambulance at the end were neat.

* Josh Matthews interviews Brock Lesnar who ludicrously claims he didn't lose or tap out. "Line up anybody in this entire frickin' world and I will beat them single handedly." ...enter World Heavyweight Champion Goldberg! He introduces himself, then seems bemused Brock didn't wish him luck for his match before moving on. Brock looks pissed.

* Coach is out in a neckbrace. He was 3Ded by the Dudleys last week. He acts like he's talking about the Ambulance Match but is talking about his own recovery, thanking fans for their get wells. King: "He probably received get well cards from the nurses." JR: "We stopped out show for this?" He spots Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban in the front row and interviews him. Things turn sour when Cuban says Austin will win, prompting Eric Bischoff to arrive. King: "What is happening here JR?" JR: "I don't know. What happened to the Survivor Series?" Eric invites Cuban into the ring, saying HE rented this building tonight and threatens to personally eject Cuban. Cuban laughs it off, so a shoving match ensues and naturally Eric gets shoved on his arse. RKO OUTTA NOWHERE!!! The Legend Killer strikes again. Sign guy is in the crowd with a sign of Randy Orton's head saying "Total Idiot" haha. Um anyway, why did that take so long?

* Evolution are backstage with ladies. Flair wants the girls to take it easy on Hunter and they toast him as the next World Champion. Orton sprints back and one of the girls plays with his nipple. Flair: "WOOOO! We're havin' a party Randall!" Orton's all "you see what I did dad?" and says he'll do the same to Austin tonight. HHH gets them to toast again.

Match 4: WWE Tag Team Championship Match - The Bashams(C) (w/ Shaniqua) vs Los Guerreros (Eddie and Chavo)

Shaniqua has a whip and the champs are in BDSM gear. Cole needles Tazz for knowing all about it.

Los Guerreros bum rush the ring and clear out the Bashams. Eddie (who the crowd love) goes for Shaniqua but the Bashams save her. He hits the Three Amigos for 2. Chavo comes in with a basement dropkick, then a heelo by Eddie gets 2. He tries the ropewalk Frankensteiner, but the other Basham comes in so he makes it a simultaneous arm drag and headscissors. Nice! The Bashams regain control with a double stun gun, then Shaniqua clotheslines and slams Eddie outside with the ref distracted! Double slingshot suplex gets 2.

Eddie comes back with a headscissors and tags Chavo to no (Latino) heat. He cleans house, getting a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2. The champs come back with a double flapjack. Doug tries a superbomb on Chavo but Eddie saves him and Frankensteiners Doug off the top! Heelo by Chavo gets 2. Eddie gets backdropped outside. The heels try double teaming Chavo but he counters a body press from one Basham into a dropkick on the other. Nice! Stereo clotheslines and er'body down. Shaniqua comes in but Chavo clotheslines her down to his first real pop all night! Eddie hits the Froggy Splash on Shaniqua! Chavo takes her to the woodshed but the Bashams return. Chavo hits a tornado DDT but accidentally kicks Eddie while doing it. A Basham schoolboys Chavo with the tights to get 3!

Winners: The Bashams (still champions)

Eddie's mad but Chavo convinces him his fight isn't with him. DISSENSION.

Verdict: 6.5/10. Not bad at all but NO ONE cared about Chavo! It's weird to think Eddie would be champion come Wrestlemania season watching this, given he was selling for The Basham's manager so much (and she didn't return the favour when he hit his finisher!)

* The video package for Team Austin vs Team Bischoff shows Austin getting fired, re-hired as co-General Manager, whuppin' too much ass and only being able to touch people if they hit him first. This leads to much trolling from Raw superstars disrespecting his authoriTAH including great footage of Batista saying he's lost his nerve, calling him a "God damn coward".

Austin: "Stone Cold stands for two things. 1. Don't trust anybody. And 2. Whup as much ass and raise as much hell as humanly possible." He's tired of being unable to do 2, so Bischoff has a proposal... but it involves going back on 1: pick teams for a Survivor Series match. If Austin wins he can do what he wants but if Bischoff wins Austin is gone.

Match 5: Traditional Survivor Series Match: Team Bischoff (Mark Henry, Chris Jericho, Christian, Scott Steiner, Randy Orton w/ Stacy Kiebler and Theodore Long) vs Team Austin (Booker T, Intercontinental Champion Rob Van Dam, World Tag Team Champions The Dudley Boyz, Shawn Michaels)

Everyone comes out to Bischoff & Austin's themes. The crowd fucking love Austin and Shawn. Jericho tells Austin bye-bye but Austin says he'll see him tomorrow.

D-Von and Christian start with nice arm wringer exchanges before Christian slaps the taste out of D-Von! That gets him taken down. Dallas: "We want tables!" Steiner: "SHUT UP," Tag to RVD, who escapes the corner and gets a great kick for 2. Jericho in with chops. RVD does his shoulder routine and they trade near falls with a Northern Lights Suplex and an enzughiri. Steiner in now with whips, chops and poses. "Shut up Booker T!!" RVD gets near falls with a crossbody and windmill kick, but Steiner avoids further flips and kicks to nearly fucking drop Van Dam on his head with a belly to belly! Push ups! There's a pretty good Foley cosplayer in the crowd. A much safer belly to belly and another from the top rope gets near falls. 

Somehow RVD tags Booker, who lights up Steiner with chops and strikes, but gets Steinerlined and elbowdropped. Book fights back and gets the scissors kick! Spin-a-roon-i! Spinebuster gets 2 and it's breaking down! Everyone's brawling and Steiner low blows Book with the ref distracted. Steiner Recliner. Stacy gets on the apron to cheer for Booker which pisses off Steiner. The Dudleys sneak in with a reverse 3D! Book end! 1,2,3! STEINER ELIMINATED. Henry squares off with Book, who stupidly tries a crossbody only to be caught in the World's Strongest Slam for 3. BOOKER T ELIMINATED.

None of RVD's kicks can get Henry down while one Henry clothesline is enough to level Rob. He sneaks a tag to Bubba who's all "fuck this" laying in rights but runs into a brick wall trying to splash Henry down! Long: "You're the World's Strongest Man!" Bubba tags D-Von, but when they try to double whip Henry he just stays put and whips them into each other - cool spot. D-Von ducks an avalanche and you can see the sweat fly from Henry hitting the buckle. Holy shit 3D to Henry!!! FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH BY VAN DAM! Everyone piles on for the cover to get 3! Great elimination. HENRY ELIMINATED.

Jericho in only to be faked out by Van Dam with a split legged moonsault for 2. Orton tags in for the first time and gets an excellent clothesline. RVD fights back with educated feet and the Rolling Thunder, then goes up for the Five Star again, but Y2J pushes him off and Orton gets the RKO for 3! RVD ELIMINATED. D-Von in with a backdrop Orton only flips for right at the last second. He gets near falls with a legdrop and top rope headbutt. Blind tag to Y2J who gets hits a dropkick for 2. Christian distracts the ref when D-Von gets the advantage and gets battered, only for D-Von to walk right into a sleeping neckbreaker by Y2J for 3. D-VON ELIMINATED.

Bubba scores a big sidewalk slam on Jericho for 2. HBK comes in for the first time! Corner 10 punch on Jericho, and then he jumps off to give one to Christian. He gets double teamed by Y2J and Orton though. JR: "Jericho was a big fan growing up of Shawn Michaels. Randy Orton was a big fan of his mirror growing up." HBK just about hangs on to the ropes to counter a dropkick and tags Bubba, who cleans house on a freshly tagged Christian. Samoan drop to Orton. He goes to Bubba Bomb Jericho but gets low blowed when the ref was distracted. Unprettier! 1,2,3! HBK's all alone. BUBBA ELIMINATED.

Flying forearm by Shawn! Nip up! Reverse piledrive! Y2J low bridges him out and double teams him with Orton. Christian catapults him to the post and Shawn's busted open. He beats on the wound and takes the piss out of Shawn's pose. Unprettier... countered... Sweet Chin Music! For the 3! CHRISTIAN ELIMINATED. Jericho in, flipping Shawn in the corner and clotheslining him for 2. Orton in with chokes. "Bleed you sunovabitch." Sleeper by HBK! Orton desperately escapes with a back suplex and tags Jericho to HBK chants. DDT by Shawn. He sends Orton over the top from a head of steam but gets bulldogged by Y2J. Lionsault... Shawn got the knees up! He's stirring... Superkick ducked... Walls of Jericho... no, Shawn rolls him up. 1, 2...3! He's evened the odds!!! Y2J ELIMINATED.

Jericho is pissed and whacks HBK with a chair, flipping off Austin. Why doesn't the ref just DQ Orton? HBK is flat out as Orton slithers in. 1... 2... NO! Orton goes up top, but Shawn just collapses and the crossbody hits the ref! Jesus! Big Austin chants. Shawn wants to tune up the band, but Bischoff cheap shots him. AUSTIN NAILS BISCHOFF! STUNNER TO ORTON sold that like a champ! Austin takes Bischoff up the aisle... to beat him up. Batista's here! BATISTA BOMB TO HBK! JR: "For the love of God no!" Orton covers. 1... 2... 3!

Steve's shirt says it all

Winner: Randy Orton (sole survivor)

Verdict: 9/10. One of the all time classic Survivor Series matches. I was impressed with the booking of Henry and pretty much everyone brought the goods here, especially Y2J, RVD and Christian keeping the early going smooth, Bubba with the hot tag and HBK with one of the greatest face in peril performances ever. Top class stuff.

* Post match Austin checks on Shawn and walks him to the back. Nice little call back to their "oil and water" tag team. He comes back out, and we see the ring is still covered in Shawn's blood. He takes a while but eventually recounts starting in Dallas, and if it's going to end at least it ended in Dallas too. "It's been a hell of a ride... I love the shit out of you guys". Before he can leave out comes Coach with security, singing "Na Na Na Na Goodbye", asking for an interview. Apparently Austin said Coach was the first person he wanted to see post match. Coach has just one question: how does it feel to be finished? Steve's had enough and batters Coach and the security. He tears Coach's neckbrace off, stomping a mudhole in him! JR: "Watch him walk it dry!" STUNNER! He asks for some Ste-wisers and toasts the fans in each corner, then leaves a pair of beers in the middle of the ring ala amateur wrestlers leaving their boots in the ring to signal retirement.

* Tazz and Cole get serious talking about Austin, Tazz even taking his glasses off. They tease Austin's greatest rival, Mr. McMahon, could be finished tonight too and cut to a video package for the Buried Alive match. Vince screwed Taker out of the title and said "as long as I'm breathing in and breathing out you'll never be WWE Champion." Taker: "Well I guess it's time he stops breathing in and out."

Match 6: Buried Alive Match - Mr. McMahon vs The Undertaker

You win by putting your opponent in the grave next to the entrance and filling it with dirt - there's a pay loader full of the stuff. I forgot they tried calling Taker's fans the Pain Sin-dicate. He comes out sans bike to a somewhat muted response - people are still gutted Austin is gone. You could tell he was growing his hair out for a return as dead Taker. Vince walks out with his hands clasped in prayer and even prays in the corner.

As if trying to top Shawn's blade job earlier, Vince blades after ONE PUNCH!!! And it's a gusher. Taker's staying more mute early, no doubt again prepping for a return to the undead gimmick. He just batters Vince with blood pouring from his head. He pulls Vince's balls into opposite corner posts! Cole: "So much for the grapefruits!" Taker: "This is for my wife." Cole says Vince threatened to have her raped! Jesus Christ!!! Taker chokes Vince with production cables and whacks him with a monitor as blood covers the floor and Smackdown announce table. Taker: "We're just getting started."

He heads to the grave just to get a shovel, whacking the boom camera pole with it on the way back, then swings it right at Vince's head!!! That was sickening. He now lays Vince's leg on the base of the steps, and uses the other bit to crush Vince's ankle! Vince gives it the hard sell. Taker fireman carries him to the grave, but when they get there Vince throws dirt in his eyes, gets a low blow, and finds a shovel to whack Taker into the grave! The fall dislocated Taker's shoulder, but he pulls McMahon back in and heads to the dump truck to pour dirt on, but some pyro goes off in his face! THAT'S GOTTA BE KANE!!! He sends Taker to the grave, pulls Vince out and grabs Taker's bandanna, laughing maniacally while Vince works the truck. It dumps A SHIT TONNE of dirt on Taker from 15 feet in the air and Vince wins!!!

Winner: Mr. McMahon 

Verdict: 2/10. The worst match I've seen doing these reviews. This was like a parody of the Vince vs real wrestler formula that peaked with his match with Hogan in my opinion - Vince gets battered, has a disgusting blade job, then hits literally a couple of moves to cheat to win. Urgh.

* They must be running really late because they TNA the shit out of the fact Taker is buried alive - no replays, a shot of Cole and Tazz acting shocked so we can see Vince's blood on their table, then it's straight to a video package for the World Title match! It highlights Goldberg's title win at Unforgiven and the bounty Hunter put on his head. Stevie Richards(!), La Resistance and Henry all try, but it's a returning Batista who cashes in, Pillmanising Goldberg's ankle. It's still injured going into this match.

Main Event: World Heavyweight Championship Match - Goldberg(C) vs Triple H (w/ Ric Flair)

H is STILL in his post-groin surgery bicycle half shorts. JR points out he's NEVER won at this event! Yikes. Vince's blood still covers the ring. Sign guy has a "HHH, THE HONEYMOON IS OVER" sign in reference to his recent wedding to Stephanie. Goldberg's ankle is heavily taped.

Naturally Bill gets the better of a brawl to start, but Flair won't leave the ring. SPEAR super early! Flair chops him (the bell to start hasn't rung so there's no DQ) but it's no sold and he gets backdropped and shitcanned. NOW the bell sounds. Goldberg presses Hunter on the barricade. H begs off in ring but gets front powerslammed. Bill tries a gorilla press but his leg gives way. HHH chopblocks him and Flair distracts the ref, so Hunter drapes the leg over the base of the steps and whacks it with a chair! DAMMIT D'LO!!! H and Naitch take turns distracting the ref while the other works over the leg or chokes Bill. King: "Goldberg doesn't have a leg to stand on in this match."

Shit half crab by HHH. He tries crotching Bill around the post but eats the post himself. Clothesline back inside and both men are down. Powerslam countered to more chopblocks, but a figure four attempt is countered and Hunter clatters into the ref. He's got brass knucks. The power of the punch! 1... 2... NO! H is furious and batters the ref with an elbow. Hunter's got THE DAMN HAMMER! But Bill kicks him away. Flair goes up top but gets pressed off. JR: "It hasn't worked in 30 years!" Clotheslines for all. Bill's got the hammer, hitting Flair in the gut, then an interfering Orton and Batista. Hunter counters the Spear and tries a Pedigree, but Bill backdrops out. He grabs the hammer again but thinks better of it. SPEAR. JACKHAMMER! 1,2,3! JR: "Good God almighty who's your daddy tonight!? ...[Goldberg] literally destroyed Evolution with their own weapon."

Winner: Goldberg (still champion)

Verdict: 3/10. Guh. I HATED it when WWE would needlessly extend Goldberg's matches just so he could "learn to work" and do things their way. I might not have minded if Triple H had brought the goods but he was in no shape to carry Bill at this time, sticking to punch kick stuff focused on the ankle. Bollocks.

Final Thoughts: On the whole I thought this was a pretty middling show really. The two Survivor Series matches delivered (Smackdown with a good opener and Raw with an all out classic) and the ambulance match was great fun, but then there were a couple of unremarkable matches, the final two matches were DIRE and there was lots of time wasting too with Cuban and Austin. I had fun watching this show back in the day but going back now the bad really lets it down. Definitely track down Team Austin vs Team Bischoff but other than that there's nothing to go out of your way for. 
So in a first, this show is one I've decided to sell! I got £4 for it from CEX which I was quite pleased with. Part of me will miss it but the highlights of this show are really easy to track down so no loss.

Final Verdict: Twist.

Stick or Twist: Saliva presents WWE Survivor Series 2002

WWE Survivor Series 2002

November 17th 2002, Madison Square Garden, New York City, New York

Attendance: 17,930

* The opening video hypes Lesnar vs Big Show & Bischoff's revolution (HLA, Stacy table dancing, Raw Roulette, Triple H being awarded the title), saying evolution happens rapidly as we see clips of old rivalries and champions (Hogan/Andre, Rock/Austin etc).

*Being in the Garden they're just using the fire-door entrance opposite the hard camera, but there's also a random pyro stage in the crowd where the regular entrance usually is (must have had to be careful sitting there). The cameras immediately pan up to the Elimination Chamber. Sunday Night Heat beforehand was hilarious - they zoned the hard cam in lower down so you couldn't see the it and commentary had to give vague descriptions, it was like an SNL sketch on 24 hour news channels. The crowd are late arriving due to poor weather.

Match 1: Six Man Tag Team Elimination Table Match - The Dudleys (Bubba Ray & Spike) & Jeff Hardy vs 3 Minute Warning (Rosey & Jamal) & Rico

This is the closest thing to a traditional Survivor Series match tonight. JR: "Do you feel like a little wood?" King: "HUH!?!" Jeff's in a shit tonne of fluorescent paint.

JR calls 3MW "the biggest team in the WWE". We see clips of Jamal (who'd later find fame as YOOOOMANGA) splashing Jeff & Spike through a table on Raw.

3MW bum rush the ring, but get sent outside. Bubba presses Spike onto them but they catch him, so Jeff does POETRY IN MOTION over the top. JR: "The New York Knicks have got no one that can jump like Jeff Hardy, I've seen them play" BURN! No tags - good. MSG: "WE WANT TABLES". King mentions the first ever tag table match was in MSG too. Nice step up Frankensteiner by Spike on Jamal. WAZZZUPPPP by the Dudleys, then Jeff & Bubba do a modified one on Rico, Jeff leg dropping him instead. Damn! Bubba: "GET THE TABLES!"

King: "You and I are sat at a table aren't we JR?" JR: "Yes we are... Let's not suggest that!" Bubba props up a table in the corner, but Rosey impressively overpowers everyone. He tries avalanching Spike through it but Spike moved & he breaks the table. It doesn't count - your opponent has to drive you through. He no sells and flubs catching Jeff from a cross body, so New York tells him "You fucked up!" Spike tries to Dudley Dog Rico through a table, but 3MW catch him & double alley-oop him through the table! Ouch. SPIKE ELIMINATED.

King: "He may have been eliminated from more than this match". 3MW both go up top, but both get crotched, Rosey with an impressive split legged moonsault bump selling it. Poetry in Motion to Rosey, who pulls Jeff's hair to stop them doing it to Jamal. Great spinning leg lariat by Rico as Rosey takes Jeff to the fire exit. Bubba counters an avalanche with the Bubba Bomb & goes to save Jeff. They lay Rosey on a table & Jeff climbs to the top of the fire exit. He shrugs his shoulders and SWANTON BOMBS ROSEY FROM THE EXIT THROUGH THE TABLE! ROSEY ELIMINATED.

MSG: "Holy shit!" Back in ring, Rico tries moonsaulting Bubba through a table but loses his balance. Bubba then back superplexes him but Jamal moved the table so Rico wasn't eliminated - nice, realistic save. Jeff hits the Whisper in the Wind on Jamal, and then BATTERS him with a table outside. He tries the barricade run but Jamal throws the table back at him. He sets another up and SUPERFLY SPLASHES Jeff from the top to the outside through the table! JEFF ELIMINATED.

Flip Flop 'n' Fly by Bubba to Rico, who lays him on a table. He climbs the ropes but is met by Jamal. Holy shit Jamal tries to Frankensteiner Bubba off the top but Bubba superbombs him through the table!!! JAMAL ELIMINATED.

Rico's calling for Rosey, who saves him from a Bubba Bomb, despite being eliminated. Jamal helps too. But wait... IT'S D-VON!! He's in camo gear. He cleans house on 3MW. 3D through the table on Rico!!!

Winner: Bubba Ray Dudley (sole survivor)

*Post match Bubba's all "Wait, aren't you a reverend now?", but they hug it out and celebrate.

Verdict: 8/10. Cracking opener. Lots of action and while some eliminations were abrupt they were all really cool, as was the Dudley Boyz reunion.

* Stacy Kiebler's in The World (formerly WWF New York). Test would be with her but she's sent him on a worldwide PR tour because he likes being surrounded by his Test-icles. I really don't miss PG-13 sometimes. She introduces Saliva, who perform the Survivor Series theme song. Filler.

Match 2: WWE Cruiserweight Championship - Jamie Noble (C) (w/Nidia) vs Billy Kidman

Tazz and Michael Cole mention Kidman's beaten Noble twice in non-title situations. Well, once they stop fumbling over their words, Jesus. Also, what the hell's with Cole's turtle neck and leather jacket combo? Did the Greek government appoint him finance minister?

Quick near falls from roll ups and a Frankensteiner by Kidman to start, but Noble cuts him off with a neckbreaker for 2. Cole says Noble's the longest reigning champion in the company at the moment. Kidman fights out of a surfboard only to get sent outside. Tazz: "Noble's got somthin' up his sleeves here. But he has no shirt on SO HE HAS NO SLEEVES!" Cheers. Suicide dive by Noble. Back inside his crossbody from the top gets dropkicked out of mid air. Ouch. Nice jumping reverse elbow and an ushigoroshi by Kidman gets 2. Falcon arrow by Noble gets the same as Tazz points out Noble's focus on the back.

Atomic facebuster by Kidman readies Noble for the Shooting Star Press, but Nidia pulls Jamie outside, so Billy crossbodies him out there. Slingshot legdrop back inside gets 2. Nidia holds his foot then slaps him right in front of the ref (DQ?), but Noble accidentally knocks her off the apron - BK bomb! 1, 2, no. Nice sequence with Kidman backsliding out of a tiger bomb, but Noble rolls through & still gets the tiger bomb! 1, 2... NO. Noble tries a superplex, but falls to a super facebuster DDT for 2 and a half. SADISTIC hangman DDT over the top buckle by Noble gets 2. Enzughiri by Kidman, who fights off both Nidia & Noble trying to stop him going up top... SHOOTING STAR PRESS! 1, 2, 3!

Winner: Billy Kidman (new champion, seventh reign)
Verdict: 7/10. Nice match, a bit rushed and the story of Noble working the back wasn't as big as Tazz made out, but there were some nice spots and Noble sold desperation well at the end.

* Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit watch from the back. Angle says if BILLY FREAKIN' KIDMAN can win they can too... so long as Benoit stays out of the team captain's way haha. Benoit goes mental but Angle says to cool it - they're amigos, no one can beat them. Benoit seems to appreciate this and offers a handshake but Kurt's offended: "Tag team partners don't shake hands! Tag team partners gotta hug." The look on Benoit's face says it all, while Angle looks like he's cuddling a kitten & saying "Let's get tough".

* It's the F-View camera! Victoria is talking to herself in the mirror asking who's the prettiest. Apparently the mirror said Trish Stratus! Victoria: "YOU'RE CRAZY!" She promptly breaks the mirror and beheads a cardboard cut out of Trish near by. Bitches be cray.

* We see a video package for the women's hardcore match showing how unhinged Victoria is, including a vicious unprotected chair shot to Trish. King had a great line: "You said it right, anything goes, I just hope it's the clothes!"

Match 3: Hardcore match for the WWE Women's Championship - Trish Stratus (C) vs Victoria

There's trash cans full of weapons tied to each ring post.

Victoria Pearl Harbours Trish while she's taking her jacket off, choking and ragdolling her with it. She finds a broom. JR: "You gonna ride that broom or you gonna use it?" We get a knuckle lock style spot with the broom. Victoria gets the advantage, choking Trish all the way up to the top rope, only to be pulled off. Trish finds a can lid but Victoria whacks it into her face with the broom. Outside the ring she whips Trish into one of the trash cans! Slingshot legdrop back inside gets 2. King: "The last time Victoria got whistled at was right before a train hit her." Cover your ears Sforcina!

Victoria props a trash can in the corner, only for Trish to catapult her into it. Trish finds an ironing board, whipping Victoria into it then gets a front kick for 2. Singapore cane time! She's whippin' Victoria like a Government Mule! King: "Poor Government mule." JR: "Never get a break do they?" Victoria's got a busted nose & WHACKS Trish with a bin lid. She blocks an attempted Stratusphere in the corner, only to get hit with a lid as she pulls Trish up. Nice! Powerbomb by Victoria, who finds a mirror only to get chick kicked for 2. Trish gets caned looking for more weapons, then hits a "modified" (read: botched) bulldog for 2. Victoria escapes outside and blinds Trish with a fire extinguisher, then hits a snap suplex for the 3!!

Winner: Victoria (new champion, first reign)
Verdict: 6.5/10. Everything was fine until the botches near the end and the abrupt finish. Victoria said she couldn't find the weapon she wanted for the finish and had to improvise. This was still appreciably physical.

* Coach asks Bischoff backstage what to expect from the Elimination Chamber: "History and the future all in one night". He says he's outdone Smackdown GM Stephanie McMahon AND himself before Big Show interrupts, telling Bischoff he'll prove trading him away was a big mistake by winning the title.

* BRRRROCKK LESSSSNAAAAARRR is warming up in the back with taped ribs. His agent Paul Heyman is very nervous, clutching Lesnar's title. He says nothing's been the same since Hell in the Cell but to put that behind them - they're in the Garden. New York City! Heyman promises "my client" will walk out champion."BUT WHO'S SIDE IS HE ON!?"

* Video package for the WWE title match highlights the Hell in the Cell last month between Lesnar and Undertaker, and Show's path of rage twatting Taker, Rikishi, Matt Hardy, Rey Mysterio and twice putting Lesnar through tables. He also did his trademark "say how big I am real slowly" promo: "I'm seven... foot... tall... five... hundred... pounds". Heyman says Brock can't manhandle, suplex or F-5 the Big Show, and he's got a broken rib. We also see Brock BATTER Show on the go home Smackdown, opening a gash in his arm charging him into the steps and hitting a BRUTAL unprotected chairshot.

Match 4: WWE Championship Match - Brock Lesnar (C) (w/ Paul Heyman) vs Big Show

State of Show in his slacks. Lesnar got a good pop even though he's not officially face yet.
They go nose to nose and stalemate on lock ups. MSG: "LET'S GO LESNAR!" Show finally overpowers Brock with a HUGE beale, but then speared down. Show tries a chokeslam but Lesnar sidesteps and BACK SUPLEXES BIG SHOW! So Brock CAN suplex the Big Show. He then counters an assalanche into a GERMAN SUPLEX. Good lord. Show blocks the F-5 though, battering the injured ribs and accidentally sending Brock into the ref. Lesnar ducks a big boot and FRICKIN' BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEXES SHOW!!

Heyman throws in a chair and Cole reminds us Lesnar is still unbeaten. Another chokeslam blocked. Lesnar tries a chairshot but Show punches it away! He gets it the second time though, and HOLY SHIT LESNAR HOISTS SHOW UP... FOR THE F-5!!! A new ref is out. 1... 2... HEYMAN PULLED THE REF OUT! Lesnar's pissed and gives chase, but runs right into chairshots to the ribs from Show. Chokeslam to the chair! The original ref is back. 1.. 2.. 3!!!

Winner: Big Show (new champion, second reign)
Verdict: 6/10. Holy shit, that was over in a flash but what a showcase for what a BEAST Lesnar is. Very watchable even if nice spots like Show punching the chair away got glossed over. They'd do better next year.

* Heyman and Show immediately high tail it into a limo. Wise move.

* Video package for the tag team title match is basically just highlights of the Smackdown Six killing it every week and Angle & Benoit's dissention.

Match 5: Triple Threat Elimination Match for the WWE Tag Team Championships - Edge & Rey Mysterio (C) vs Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit vs Los Guerreros (Eddie & Chavo)

FFS we see "newly engaged" Al Wilson and Dawn Marie in the crowd. I forgot Edge's fans were called the Edge Army. Only two men allowed in at once but you can tag anyone.

The Guerreros stir the shit at the start only to sit things out, while Angle hugs Benoit again. Benoit & Rey start. Rey's slippery but eventually gets caught by MASSIVE chops. A hurricanrana and flapjack allow him to tag Edge for a double hip toss. Benoit tags Angle who suffers a huge BAAACK body drop, so he tags Chavo. Nice! A freshly tagged Rey springboard splashes him for 2. Big face first press by Chavo lets him tag Eddie, who batters Rey only for Mysterio to go around the world (well Eddie) for a head scissors. Holy shit that was smooth.

Big monkey flip to Eddie, so he tags Kurt. MSG: "LET'S GO ANGLE". Another head scissors by Rey, then Angle randomly hit the post shoulder first (pet hate) and messes up throwing Rey up to the top rope. Quick tags between Angle & Benoit isolate Mysterio, working over his neck. Nice arm drag to counter the Angle Slam, but then Kurt clotheslines Rey's socks off. Front chancery RESTHOLD. FOREVER. Rey eventually escapes, wheelbarrows Angle, somersaults out of an attempted German and gets a spin wheel kick. Nice! Angle tried tagging the Guerreros so they jump off the apron haha.

Tags to Edge & Benoit! Edge cleans house and shit cans Chavo. Rey and Eddie take each other out with a Frankensteiner to the outside. Spear... countered to a simultaneous ankle lock and crossface!! Rey saves with a seated senton, and corkscrew plancha's Angle & Chavo! Benoit with German suplexes to Edge, only for Eddie to sunset flip Benoit whilst he German's Edge! Cool spot for 2. More suplexes from Benoit, who goes up for the headbutt on Edge, but Eddie sneaks in with the froggy splash! Benoit headbutts Eddie!

Angle with the Angle Slam and ankle lock on Eddie. The ref tries to get them out. Meanwhile Benoit has the crossface on Edge, but Chavo hits him with the tag belt, then chucks it to Angle - so Benoit thinks Kurt did it! Rey dropkicks them into each other, then hits an ace baseball slide head scissors on Chavo. Spear by Edge to Benoit! 1... 2... 3! BENOIT & ANGLE ELIMINATED

Angle's pissed and Angle Slams Edge as Benoit suplexes Rey. They argue to the back and Eddie covers for 2, followed by a heelo for another 2. Tazz says the Guerreros were smart letting the others start as they've still fresh. Eddie & Chavo double team Edge with sneaky tactics and RESTHOLDS only to eat a double flapjack. Tag to Rey! HIGH springboard crossbody. He uses a wheelbarrow on Eddie to hurricanrana Chavo. Nice! Edge spears both Guerreros in the corner. They set Eddie up top, and Edge elevates Rey up through an alley oop so he can hurricanrana Eddie! 1... 2... Chavo saves it!

619 to Eddie! But Chavo whacks Rey with the belt when Rey tried the West Coast Pop. Edge then furiously beats on Chavo. Meanwhile Eddie lock in the Lasso from El Paso on Rey... and Rey taps!

Winners: Los Guerreros (new champions, first reign)
Verdict: 8.5/10. Nice touch that the Guerreros used the belts to eliminate both teams and win them. Really these guys could do no wrong at this time. Barring a couple of flubs and (tiny) death spots this was pure class.

* Chris "I went to Harvard don't you know?" Nowinski is out. JR says he needs a haircut! He chides New Yorkers for their "street smarts". That's not real intelligence - you can' buy it like the Yankees bought their World Series titles! CHEAP HEAT. NYC: "SHUT THE FUCK UP".

* OMG he's now interrupted by Matt Hardy Version ONE-AAAAH! Did you know: Matt keeps the room temperature at a toasty 75 degrees? And only drinks low fat chocolate milk? He says New Yorkers aren't stupid... they're losers! They're such losers "they're SUCKING THE MATTITUDE OUT OF ME... right now, I'm choking worse than the Knicks". CHEAP HEAT. JR: "I don't know about that." King: "Hard to do, isn't it?" They go back and forth over who's right, Matt pointing out losers in the crowd. King: "Who's he pointing at, Tazz?" Inevitably they decide New Yorkers are both and celebrate.

* Somebody called an ambulance to a big pop. Oh no wait... it's BIG POPPA PUMP SCOTT STEINER!!! Business just picked up. He suplexes the fuck out of both guys. Steiner: "Who da man!?" He shit cans Nowinski ("Ha!") then presses Matt onto him. PUSH UPS. He dedicates this to all his freaks in New York City. "Big Poppa Pump is your hook up. Holla if ya hear me!"

* The Chamber is lowering. JR: "The brutality of Hell in the Cell, the unpredictability of War Games, the tradition of the Survivor Series and the importance of the World Title."

* Terri's chasing Shawn Michaels in the back, asking why he believes he can win. Shawn's adorable here. "Why do I believe? Little lady, are you kiddin' me?"... but before we get an answer we get an important RNN injury update from Randy Orton! Oh yes. If they wanted to keep Bo Dallas relevant during his injury they should have given him this gimmick. Orton thanks the sexy flight attendant for that extra pillow for his injured shoulder, giving a cheesy wink! He pleads for more get well emails.

* Video package for the Chamber match, showing its construction before breaking into Saliva's song again! HBK's comeback from Summerslam is highlighted in particular.

* Coach is with Triple H and Ric Flair backstage. H says he was awarded the title because he's the best and has beaten everyone to prove it, but it's not good enough so now he's facing five of the best ever in the Chamber. He'll still be champ at the end because he's that damn good!

* Bischoff comes out into the fully descended Chamber to explain the rules: four men are confined to internal pods, locked behind "bullet-proof plexiglass" (we'll see...), while the other two start the match. A pod opens every five minutes. Elimination is by pin fall or submission.

Main Event: Elimination Chamber Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Triple H (C) vs Rob Van Dam vs Shawn Michaels vs Chris Jericho vs Booker T vs Kane

Jesus that was a load of filler! Continuing the "Survivor Series: brought to you by Saliva" theme of the evening, they play Y2J to the ring live from The World (the Dudleys also had a Saliva song as their theme, they're all over this show). JR mentions every championship match tonight has resulted in a title change - not a good omen for HHH. Both he & King don't know what to expect and neither do the men in the Chamber. They also get over that Bischoff created this match to top Stephanie and last month's Hell in the Cell.

RVD and Triple H start. Van Dam controls with kicks as NYC chants his name. Facebreaker by Hunter, who goes for a Pedigree but gets backdropped over the top to the steel floor! Ouch. RVD keeps sending him into the Chamber door, nearly breaking it open as it's only locked with a tiny latch haha. Rob does his shoulder routine then monkey flips H on the steel. God damn! Rolling Thunder from the ring to the steel on Triple H! He then tells Jericho to fuck himself and climbs up his pod! Y2J's not amused and pulls his leg through the chain roof into his pod. Van Dam fights out, and hits a heelo from the top on HHH to the steel!! The countdown is on for the next entrant...

...it's Jericho! But he runs right into a kick from RVD and gets sent to the steel. He goes up top for a crossbody... Jericho ducks but HOLY SHIT Van Dam hangs on to the chain wall and crossbodies Jericho off the wall!!! Spider-Rob! The heels then start double teaming RVD, with a knee and senton combo getting 2. King points out since it's not a one fall match no one's gonna save people from falls. Y2J: "C'MON BABAY!" The heels keep whipping RVD into the chain walls. Y2J: "C'mon you sunnofabitch I'm the King of the World!" Hebner: "C'mon dammit!" Van Dam comes back, flipping out of a corner double team and kicking Jericho. JR: "I'll be surprised if Jericho has any teeth left when this one's over." The count's on again...

Booker T is out next. He cleans house with kicks and clotheslines. SPIN-A-ROON-I! After a nice evasive exchange he trades kicks with Van Dam for near falls. JR: "Van Dam... he's like trying to pour smoke through a keyhole." Scissors kick to Triple H! Jericho takes out Book, only to be taken out by RVD. Van Dam climbs... oh God all the way to the top of the pod! "Yano... To... Ru!" Wait that's not right...

Oh no that's it - "Rob... Van... Dam!" FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH FROM THE POD TO HHH!!! That killed RVD's knee and crushed HHH's throat. Booker missle dropkicks Van Dam from the top... and that gets 3! RVD ELIMINATED

That was a bit lame, and got Booker some boos. JR: "Van Dam literally took himself out of the competition with that Five Star Frog Splash." King: "He should have never gone that high." Story of his career... Booker tries covering Hunter too, but only gets 2 because the ref was getting Van Dam out of the Chamber. Y2J bulldogs Booker and goes for the Lionsault, but Book rolls away and hits a wicked whiplash spinebuster, slowly covering for 2 as the count is on again...

THAT'S GOTTA BE KANE! JR: "Now he's gotta beat on three men." *whit-woo* He sends Jericho to the steel and snake eyes him into the chains. He then throws Jericho into a pod and THE PLEXIGLASS BREAKS!! That had the crowd in awe, you could see Kane grinning at how well that went (SEND FOR THE MAN!). Booker escapes a powerslam only for Jericho to low blow him through the ropes. Chokeslam to Booker! Lionsault by Y2J. 1.. 2.. 3! BOOKER T ELIMINATED

JR: "This is one of those situations where careers are gonna be changed - I hope they're not shortened! But they're gonna be changed after tonight." Kane Flair-presses Hunter off the top. Jericho escapes a chokeslam with a low blow and second rope dropkick for 2 as a huge HBK chant erupts. The count is on, we know who's next. JR: "His second match in four years".

HBK is out! King: "He's hitting everything in sight". Backdrop to Y2J only to be clotheslined by Kane. Flying forearm by Shawn. Smark in the crowd: "You suck Shawn!" Kane flips him inside out with a whip to the corner... and chokeslams him. And Jericho. And Triple H! Throat slash! He goes to Tombstone H, but Hunter slides out & pushes him into Sweet Chin Music! Kane sits up! Pedigree! King: "He won't sit up from this." Jericho then gets a MASSIVE LIONSAULT three quarters across the ring for 3! KANE ELIMINATED

THAT'S a monster elimination. Y2J clotheslines HBK out to the steel to a nasty bump, and the heels then double team him and bust him open. H grinds him into the chains. Y2J: "Grate his head like a cheese grater!" Shawn fights back, clotheslining Triple H back in the ring. He tries to piledrive Jericho on the steel (are you MENTAL!) but Jericho backdrops out of it. JR: "Sometimes I think concrete would be nicer." Flying forearm to Hunter in the ring. Nip up! But Jericho comes in and bulldogs him. Lionsault! 1... 2... NO! JR: "Shawn Michaels is still a believer!"

Beautiful moonsault by Shawn for a near fall. He puts Jericho in the Walls of Jericho! But HHH DDTs him off. Jericho covers but H pulls him off because he wants to eliminate Shawn. Y2J: "We're gonna kick his ass!" The shoving match eventually becomes a fight. Clothesline by HHH (that Jericho was blatantly meant to duck) then a facebreaker for 2. Pedigree... countered to the Walls! HHH is in agony. He crawls to the ropes... and gets there, but Y2J pulls back. SWEET CHIN MUSIC TO JERICHO! 1, 2... 3!!  Y2J ELIMINATED

JR: "How can you not believe in Shawn Michaels, King?" Spinebuster by HHH gets 2. A head of steam from Shawn just gets him backdropped to the steel. Michaels then tries a Pedigree on the steel (!) but gets catapulted through the plexiglass! King: Do you believe in Triple H now, JR?" Hunter implores Shawn to get up. King: "I think he's begging for forgiveness." JR: "He's already begged for forgiveness from an authority higher than Triple H."

Shawn gets the better of a slugfest but lowers his head for a facebreaker. Now HHH tries a Pedigree on the steel, but HBK catapults him to the chains, clotheslines him back in and goes up top... all the way to the top of a pod... elbow drop! Instead of covering he calls for Sweet Chin Music... it's blocked! Pedigree! H takes ages to cover, he's exhausted. 1... 2... he kicked out! Hunter tries again, but Shawn backdrops out! Sweet Chin Music! 1.. 2... 3!!!

Winner: Shawn Michaels (new champion, first reign)

The reaction is amazingly loud and there are huge streamers. JR: "I know it's been said before... but DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?" Fantastic celebrations.

Verdict: 8.5/10. Lots to weight up here. The finishing stretch was perhaps a bit longer than necessary and the elimination of RVD could have been handled better - I get he knackered himself from the frog splash, but surely Jericho should have eliminated him? Booker wound up with some unfair heat.
However, the positives far outweigh the negatives. They got the gimmick over brilliantly, RVD's use of the Chamber was especially good. Everyone had strong showings, especially Jericho and HHH for working through his throat injury.

Final Thought: Overall this was a stellar show, only Summerslam bettered it that year. Every title changing hands, Lesnar losing for the first time and the début of the Chamber made this a very news worthy show, but the match quality was also really solid across the board. Aside from the masses of filler between the tag title match and the Chamber this was thoroughly watchable. Thumbs way up in the air.

Final Verdict: STICK

"Pipe and a crepe?"