Yes, as promised/threatened, we're up and running with our first episode of Then, Now, Whatever: The Wrestling Podcast. We'd love to hear from you all if you have any comments, would like to add anything to what myself and Kyle were discussing or just let us know what you think in general.
As usual, this blog post is here to give you some visual references and stimulation (ooh er missus).
We hope you enjoy listening below. We'll be back to discuss Fastlane in our next episode in the very near future, so be sure to keep up with us on Twitter and Facebook.
General production notes - with the studio closed, we had to improvise and record on our producer/tech monitor Edd's Sony Xperia phone. It sounded surprisingly decent! Edd then did a bit of work re-levelling stuff (which I probably didn't make any easier for him by being louder and closer to the mic than Kyle) and then I butchered it into the edit you hear here :). All future episodes will either get recorded on my Blue Microphones Yeti or in the college sound studio.
0:20 I'm not joking, Kyle is studying for his PGCE to teach drama while also holding down part time work at weekends and roles as an extra in several TV shows. He's previously been in Waterloo Road, Cilla and Coronation Street, and also very recently in BBC One drama Moving On.
0:53 Here's Amway's logo as it appears on the arena.
1:50 They took our jeeerbs! (Appropriately enough one of the episodes this joke appeared in was the one about wrestling.)
Also, get a loads of Konnor's wedgie! And Mark Henry's hip swivel.
Intercontinental Title match - "And here come the pretzels", from The Simpsons season 8, "The Twisted World Of Marge Simpson". It's immediately what I think of whenever there's a big pile of plunder getting thrown in the ring.
Also yet more references to Owens' antics on Twitter. The Melissa Joan Hart feud started with this Tweet here
Here's the spot with Cena and Barrett at TLC 2010 Kyle was referring to.
Tag Team Title match - Big E's dancing again drawing me back to Season 8 of The Simpson ("The Springfield Files")
Just to clarify on my stance on The Young Bucks, I usually still enjoy their matches despite their total ineptitude using these repeated superkicks, which is a testament to their creativity and workrate.
For those of you who aren't British children of a certain age, Lurpak Spreadable used to run commercials featuring a miniature cheese man playing the trombone. Woods' gimmick always reminds me of it.
30:44 Who wears a suit jacket without another top on underneath, seriously?
I'm sure you know already, but the line "I wish you died in the womb" is from one of the all time worst Raw segments with Nikki discussing her motivation for turning on Brie at Summerslam 2014. Watch here if you dare.
Sufferin' succotash son! My introduction of AJ Styles was homaging New Japan's excellent ring announcer, who very calmly says the wrestler's moniker then BELTS out their actual name. "Cuppa coffee in the big time YEEEAHH" is a Macho Man line (who else?).
As he went onto explain, Kyle is a MASSIVE mark for Triple H.
Kyle's wet dream
John Morrison was another master of the quirky Royal Rumble hang-on, much like Kofi.
My confusion over which Wrestlemania we were on is all down to WWE dropping the number from the event and replacing it with symbols (Play instead of 31 for Silicon Valley, Lonestar instead of 32 for Texas) because apparently the number on the end makes the event seem "old". Yep.
Also I completely forgot Brock DID get his title rematch at Battleground, only for it to end in a no contest, so I guess he can still lay claim to a title match. The other thing was there was a segment at the Rumble where Heyman approached Stephanie about renegotiating Brock's contract, so he could have used that against the Authority to wrangle Brock into the Fastlane match.
...But that's a story we can deal with next time. Hope to see you then.
* Oh yeah, this is the first Pay Per View for the awesome "We promised you a great main event tonight..." brand ident.
The opening video is all about power and control, highlighting Steph, Vince and Eric on the war path and outlining what people could vote for - including Flair begging to be put in a cage ("A CAGE!!!"). Weirdly the opening pyro goes off before the "And now..." intro. Hey look! Joey Styles is on commentary with King because Coach is in a match (haha).
*Edge, Lita and "The Masterpiece" Chris Master come out for their tag match. This was part of the Raw vs Smackdown feud at the time so people voted for two Smackdown guys to face them. Computer-side Todd Grisham outlines the options - Christian, Matt Hardy, Hardcore Holly, JBL or Rey Mysterio. Naturally Matt Hardy (31%) and Rey Mysterio (29%) win. Rey's got his pre P.O.D Booyaka song that sounds like Daddy Yankee.
*Hang on... Edge isn't wrestling tonight. He says beating either man does nothing for him. (In reality he had a torn pec) He doesn't care about them, Raw, or what the fans voted for. Edge: "I care about MEEE!" Joey: "Shocking!" His replacement is Snitsky.
Match 1: Snitsky & Chris Masters (r/ Raw) vs Matt Hardy & Rey Mysterio (r/ Smackdown)
Masters Pearl Harbours the faces as Snitsky enters. King: "I thought it was still Halloween when I saw Snitsky's face come out." Beautiful one armed stalling suplex by Masters on Rey. Hey, there's both a Smackdown and Raw referee in the ring! They argue over who counts the fall. Sign in the crowd: "Austin Flakes Again". Snitsky tags in and tries copying Masters' suplex but Rey small packages him and again the refs get in each other's way. They coordinate eventully. Masters tags in with a great series of backbreakers. Another sign: "Mom did U vote?" Rey tries the wheelbarrow bulldog but Chris just plants him face first for 2. RESTHOLD.
Headscissors by Rey sees both fresh tags both sides! Matt hits the world's lowest baseball slide to get Masters off the apron. King: "That was like one of Coach's dropkicks." After a struggle the Side Effect gets on Snitsky gets 2. Twist of Fate is countered only for Matt to hit a weird, botched super DDT thingy that was more like a superplex.
Masters breaks the count, almost eating a Twist of Fate, but after Matt ducks a Snitsky clothesline Chris shoves him into a Snitsky boot - nice. Masters tags in, hits a gorgeous butterfly suplex and a surfboard, working the back. Matt slugs out but gets clotheslined, allowing Masters to tag. Huge jumping suplex by Snitsky gets 2. RESTHOLD. It's on the arm rather than the back they've worked on so fans chant "Snitsky sucks!" King: "Can you understand these fans here in San Diego?" Joey: "I think they're saying Snitsky creates a partial vacuum with his mouth."
Massive spinebuster and a guillotine by Snitsky. Matt hits a second rope clothesline on a newly tagged Masters, but Chris hooks his leg as he crawls for the tag and Snitsky tags in to wipe Rey off the apron. BOO! Snitsky catches a Matt crossbody but his front powerslam is countered into a reverse DDT! TAGS BOTH SIDES! FLYING DICK TO THE FACE by Rey! Springboard crossbody gets 2. An interfering Snitsky winds up posting himself and Rey tries to Tornado DDT him... but gets thrown off into the UNBREAKABLE MASTERLOCK! Rey tries kicking off the buckles but Masters keeps the hold on his back. The Smackdown ref counts Chris' shoulders down but the Raw ref stops him and they argue. Matt legdrops Chris to break the hold and shit cans both heels.
Stereo top rope crossbodies to the heels on the outside by Rey and Hardy! Back in, Rey tries a springboard sunset flip and Masters holds his ground... but Matt clotheslines him! 1... 2... no! Fans were into that. Snitsky sneakily tripped Rey up as the refs got Matt out, allowing Masters to hit an AWESOME torture rack into an airplane spin neckbreaker! 1... 2... Matt breaks the count. Snitsky tries to backdrop him but eats a HUUGE swinging DDT! Hardy drop toe holds Masters to the ropes... 619! Twist of Fate! Torpedo Splash by Rey! 1, 2, 3!!!
Winners: Matt Hardy & Rey Mysterio
Verdict: 8/10. Wheeew! What a long match. It had a really interesting story with the two refs. Some of Matt and Snitsky's exchanges were awkward but Masters was hugely impressive here, especially his exchanges with Rey (I'd have love to have seen more between the two, even a singles match) and the final minutes from Rey's hot tag onwards were GOLD.
* Mick Foley gets a cheap pop backstage and wonders if his luggage got mixed up with someone off camera. Oh, it's Maria, who agrees since she's wearing the Mankind mask. She takes it off ("Interesting smell!") and gives it back, but because she's stupid she thinks her entire outfit is Mick's, so she removes her top and panties (off camera) too. Maria: "Have a nice day!" Mick: "...I think I just did." King on Maria: "Not much upstairs but what a staircase!"
* Aw yeah, one of the best lame theme tunes ever heralds the arrival of Rob Conway. *Randy Newman voice* Juuust look at me! He's been on an "anti-legend" campaign so to speak while feuding with Eugene, so fans vote for a legend to team with Eugene. Bischoff gave Conway Tyson Tomko as a partner because he's still mad at Eugene for shaving his head last year. Choices are: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan ("I wanna beat somebody up!"), "The Uganda Giant" Kamala and "Superfly Murderer" Jimmy Snuka (who looks ancient). Snuka (43%) wins. If only they knew...
Juuust look at me!
Match 2: Rob Conway & Tyson Tomko vs Eugene & Jimmy Snuka
Tyson obviously overpowers Eugene to start. Eugene winds him up over starting a knucklelock, chops his throat and slams him. He teases tagging Snuka but Conway (still in his shades!) cheapshots him. He tags officially and gets a Scott Steiner tribute elbow for 2. Nice dropkick, then a tag to Tomko who hits a neat powerslam for 2. A freshly tagged Conway withstands Eugene's JYD headbutts out of his RESTHOLD and cheapshots Snuka. Eugene escapes a double team and clotheslines Rob. Tag to murderer. Chops and headbutts galore. Tyson nails him but gets shit canned by Eugene, who counters Conway's one man Magic Killer with a jawbreaker. Him and Snuka take turns headbutting Rob before a Eugene Rock Bottom and Snuka Superfly Splash gets the 3.
Winners: Eugene & Jimmy Snuka.
Tomko blindsides the faces as they celebrate, but the other legends come out. Three point stance clothesline by Duggan and Ugandan Splash by Kamala takes Tomko down and the faces celebrate.
Verdict: 3.5/10. Mostly harmless, with Snuka wisely kept out of most of it. Outside of a couple of moves from the heels there wasn't anything all that inspired here. It suffers for being next to that awesome opening tag.
* Carlito is out with his ace red apple sky blue shirt. He's challenged Foley but the fans vote for which "Face of Foley" he faces: Dude Love, Cactus Jack or Mankind. The landslide winner was Maaaaankind (52%). A video recap of the "feud" shows Foley on Carlito's Cabana at Raw Homecoming calling him a horse's ass. He then cut a fun promo as each of his personalities, the best being Mankind's riff on Mick's old "O' Candido" promo from Smoky Mountain Wrestling ("If you're into cotton tacos, say hello to Mr. Socko!"), promising Carlito will leave "skid marks in his speedos".
Mankind is in a shirt and tie but has his New Generation era music. Carlito does well with jabs and a dropkick but Mankind doesn't go down, and scores with an elbow and rakes the back, then the eyes over the rope. He hooks Carlito in the Tree of Woe to hit the running elbow, then catapults him to the middle rope (same as the opening match, Fuck you Finlay). Baseball slide (Joey: "and heeee's out!") and a neckbreaker on the floor by Mankind, who rocks sat upright. He chases Carlito with a chair(!) but eats a drop toe hold to the steps! Carlito follows up with a dropkick sending the back of Mick's head to the steps again!
Side Russian Leg Sweep and a strange spot where Carlito sneaks underneath Mankind for an electric chair both get 2. Carlito hooks a sleeper but Joey points out the leather mask is stopping it being fully effective. Mick grabs Carlito's hair to mare him over his shoulder. Stereo clotheslines put both men down. Makind sits up, rocks some more and pulls his hair out before running through his comeback: running knee to the corner, Cactus clothesline, elbow from the apron, double arm DDT, then Socko's arrival (in a Carlito wig to boot haha) brings the Mandible Claw, and Carlito's out. The relaxing Mankind New Gen music plays after his victory.
Winner: Mankind
Verdict: 6/10. I remember Mick saying he was disappointed in this match and I can see why. The flow was so basic with Mick dominating early, Carlito controlling the middle then Mick steamrollering him at the end. What keeps this just about above average is the story of the Mankind mask protecting Mick's head and Mick returning to some of the older Mankind character beats (the raking, the rocking the hair pulling).
* Eric Bischoff is on the phone and furious. Mr McMahon arrives, supposedly to late to the show (kayfabe!), missing the Raw vs Smackdown tag he was looking forward to. He expresses disbelief at hearing Raw lost and tires of Eric's excuses before asking where his "kill or be killed" instinct went and wishing him luck with the other inter-promotional match, Coach vs Batista haha!
* Todd is about to reveal the result for the main event vote, as the two losers challenge for the tag titles next. WWE Champion John Cena will defend the title against Kurt Angle and one more man - Big Show (who's REALLY big at this stage), Kane or Shawn Michaels. HBK (46%) wins and tries to shake hands with the losers but only Show obliges.
Match 4: World Tag Team Championship Match - Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch (C) vs Big Show & Kane
The challengers' pyro scares Joey. King: "Aren't you loving these guys' entrances?" Joey: "You put me on this side as a rib didn't you?"
The champs try to stall outside so the challengers do the old pincer move to trap them for a double noggin knocker by Show. Kane & Murdoch start. Trevor tried to leave but Show stopped him. He throws a fit and pushes Kane, so he eats an uppercut. King: "I think I saw a molar fly out." Trev finally gets a boot up from Kane's corner clotheslines and tags Cade, who doesn't have much luck either. Show tags in for the "Shhh" chops and mudhole stomping. A rake in the eyes allows Cade to tag out. Naturally Murdoch can't whip Show and gets chopped too. Ouch, Show steps over Trev to tag Kane. Another thumb to the eye sees Lance tag. Him and Kane horribly mistime a big boot spot.
Kane climbs up top but Trev's distraction eventually sees him fall to the outside and eat a Sweet and Sour on the floor by the champs! Back inside an inverted atomic drop by Murdoch is followed nicely by a Cade swinging neckbreaker. Kane sits up! Cade kicks him and tells him to stay down only to get goozled. Cade escapes and the champs try to double backdrop Kane but Trev eats a punt and Lance a clothesline. Tag to Show. He cleans house with clotheslines and headbutts, stacking the champs in the corner. Only Cade eats the splash and Murdoch's back rake is no sold by Show. Top rope clothesline by Kane! He shit cans Trev and directs traffic for a DOUBLE chokeslam to Cade. 1, 2, 3.
Winners: Big Show & Kane (new champs, 1st reign)
Grisham tries a post match interview but Murdoch is begging for a chokeslam too, so the new champs oblige.
Verdict: 6/10. Nothing spectacular here, but the fans reacted well for the win, Cade & Murdoch were very good at isolating Kane and I've always been a fan of Murdoch's expressive performances.
* Oh boy, it's Vader and ooooooooh... Goldust time *Nomn*! They're backstage with Coach, who predicts big things after he slapped Batista's lips off Monday night. Coach: "No announcer in the history of the business has done more than the Coach." If he beats Dave tonight, it's only a matter of time before he's WWE Champion ahahahahaha!!!
* Todd invites the Divas out for the result of the vote for their outfits in tonight's battle royal. Options were lingerie, leather & lace and cheerleader outfits. Todd: "THERE IS NO WRONG ANSWER!" Lingerie (43%) wins. King is marking out. Joey: "I know I'm not as excited as you because that table moved and your hands were on top of it."
* They recap the one night build for Coach vs Batista. Vince told Coach original opponent Stone Cold Steve Austin was in an accident at the weekend. "I don't know whether it's valid or, Coach, whether he's just plain afraid of you." Since Coach is Raw's number one announcer, his initial idea was for Coach to face the number one Smackdown announcer - Funaki! But, after Goldust squashed him, Coach gets cocky and challenges ANYONE from Smackdown. Cue World Heavyweight Champion Batista. Vader and Goldust somehow beat him down long enough for Coach to slap him though!
* Lilian announces the gimmicks fans could vote for in this match: a verbal debate, arm wrestling match or street fight (to which fans yell STREET FIGHT). Styles on Goldust: "I don't know if he'd be the first pick of somebody I'd want watching my back." Then when Vader comes out he says "Now that looks like a bodyguard!" King: "That looks like two bodies." Vader: "It's tiiiime for the paiiin gaaame!" T-Grish says Coach called everyone in his home state of Kansas to tell them to vote for the debate. Of course, street fight (91%) won. King: "Kansas is not that heavily populated of a state."
Match 5: Street Fight - World Heavyweight Champion Batista (r/ Smackdown) vs The Coach (w/ Goldust & Vader, r/ Raw)
Dave gets a gargantuan pop. Goldust and Vader don't leave the ring and Coach stays on the apron. Dave initially forces the heels out with rights. He charges Vader into a corner, then DEMOLISHES Goldust with a spear. Coach tries to sneak in but gets punched. Batista tries to suplex Vader(!) but Goldie whacks him with a cane. Coach steals the timekeeper's belt and the real wrestlers hold Dave down so Coach can whip his back. His mistake is asking them to turn him over so Dave can see him, allowing Dave to escape and clean house with clotheslines and whipping everyone with the belt. Heavily edited spinebuster on Vader sees a chair magically appear in the ring (in the replay you see Goldie brought it in but got spinebustered). Dave hauls Coach up just to SLAP THE PISS out of him. Batista Bomb! 1, 2, 3.
Here's what got edited out
Winner: Batista
Verdict: 3/10. What the hell were they thinking bringing Vader in here? He embarrassed himself. This was thoroughly beneath Batista but he was still treated like a star by the audience and that slap and powerbomb to Coach almost made it worth it.
* Grisham snuck backstage to interview HBK, using a handheld mic while still wearing his Michael Jackson face mic. Shawn knows it's a tough guy business but it's great to be popular. Angle interrupts and proposes they take Cena out so they can settle their tied rivalry (1-1-1). Shawn: "I'll think about it."
Match 6: Fulfil Your Fantasy Battle Royal for the WWE Women's Championship - Trish Stratus (C) vs Ashley vs Candice Michelle vs Mickie James vs Maria vs Victoria
Joey: "I'm just going to let you run with this, King." King, upon seeing Candice gyrating: "Oh I'd love to run with that." Mickie's gimmick is she's a mark for Trish so she applauds when she poses with the belt. As usual with Diva Battle Royals, you just need to be thrown out of the ring, rather than over the top, to be eliminated.
Schmoz to start. Trish tries the Stratusphere on Victoria early but is hauled up top for a brawl. Mickie saves Trish and almost helps her eliminate Victoria. Candice pulls both Trish & James down by the hair from behind. Ashley & Maria whip Vic and Candy into each other. Maria celebrates only for Trish and Mickie to eliminate her. Candy nails Ashley with a forearm and hooks her hanging headscissor choke over the top. She celebrates on the apron but Ashley punches her off to eliminate her. Vic knees Trish right in the damn face with her brace and hits her side slam. Mickie, out for revenge, gets her corner headscissors to try and pull her out. When it fails Ashley tries to help but STILL Vic survives and catapults Ashley over the top to eliminate her, then side slams Mickie.
Now it's Trish's turn for revenge with a really cool handstand into a whirling headscissor. Both girls fight around the bottom rope trying to eliminate each other, Trish hooking her leg under the rope to save herself. Mickie brings Trish back inside and rightly gets clotheslined by Victoria. Ma-Trish! But Vic butt bumps her mid bridge! Mickie saves Trish from getting dumped again, then awkwardly spears Vic through the ropes to eliminate Vic and herself! That looked bad, it's amazing neither girl got hurt. Anyway, Trish wins by default.
Winner: Trish Stratus (still champion)
Todd tries interviewing Trish post match but Mickie hot dogs it, marking out at Trish doing it for herself and being the greatest Women's Champion of all time.
Verdict: 5.5/10. A startling display of competence besides the finish. The Diva Search girls were eliminated fairly promptly and botch-free, plus Trish and Victoria had some neat exchanges.
* Video package for Triple H vs Flair highlights Hunter's devotion to his idol, turning him from a shell of a man into someone who appeared great again "standing in [Hunter's] light". H teamed with Ric at Raw Homecoming just to turn on him, furious he's let people spit in the face of his legacy and "wallowing in mediocrity" as IC Champ. Faint burial of the IC Title there. "I'd be damned if I was going to let somebody tarnish MY memories of Ric Flair." Fans could vote for the match to be one fall, a submission match or a cage match. Naturally, after Flair's campaigning ("A CAGE!") the cage (83%) wins and descends.
Match 7: Steel Cage Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship- Ric Flair (C) vs Triple H
Win is by pinfall, submission or escape. H climbs the cage to do his spit pose, the speed of his ascent worries Joey as he could win by escape. Joey's attempt at putting over the personal feud here has him calling the IC belt "a footnote" and King has to reel him back in, so he points out Trips want to take more than the title instead. Much better. Flair is in a fucking GLORIOUS pink robe that's sequinned and bejewelled featuring pink feather trim. The balls on that man to wear that to a cage match.
King makes an excellent point that when explaining his actions Hunter always talked about Ric in the past tense. In a great bit of body language, Trips watches Flair's entrance standing on the top rope, then comes back down to start the match, as if to say "I could just leave and take your title with ease, but I'm here to fight you and END you." Both men mouth "We're gonna find out once and for all now" to each other.
Lock up to start (in a blood feud?). H takes a swing at Naitch but eats a chop. Woo! Flair: "Bring it on." Again Flair gets the best of the resulting brawl with his chops, a big one knocking Trips down. Hunter replies with the Harley Race high knee, and an Arn Anderson spinebuster. He rams Flair into the cage, naturally busting him open. King: "That didn't take long." Joey points out that with all Ric's scar tissue of course the cage would bust him open. Trips zones in on the wound with a knee drop, grinding and ramming it into the cage and using a head of steam to knock Flair into the cage again. He pulls his knee pad down for another knee drop, waves goodbye and climbs. Naitch gives chase and chops him while on the top rope. Both men hit each other and both get crotched on the ropes!
HHH still tries to climb and in the process pulls some chain from the bracket. He tries to use it for a second rope fist drop... and Ric gets a foot up. Hunter flops. Shin breaker by Flair. Figure Four attempt... but Hunter decks him with the chain! 1, 2... no. He goes to the well again with a fist drop. Flair: "AAH! JESUS CHRIST!" That leads to the ref confiscating the chain to BOOs. H just slaps and pounds Flair. King: "This is uncomfortable to watch. It's reminiscent of what Triple H said - it's about who he is and who Flair used to be." Knee drop to the back of the head and Hunter mocks the strut. Oh you fucker - FIGURE FOUR BY TRIPLE H. Flair: "I'll kill you!" Ric's shoulders are down a couple of times for near falls. Hunter's trash talk drives Flair to spit at him and flip him off before reversing the pressure. Trips rolls again to get the rope break (in a cage?).
H mocks Flair's pre-Figure Four dancing and goes for it again, but gets kicked off right into the cage, busting him open! FLAIR BITES THE WOUND!! Then grinds and drives him into the cage. King: "What's good fo the goose is good for the... Game." Ric fishhooks Hunter's face. Ha, one of the feather's from Flair's robe is stuck to H's back. Stalling suplex by Flair gets a damn near standing ovation. He chop blocks Trips in, as Joey points out, the quad he had surgery on. He really goes to town on the knee Garvin style. Figure Four! The Game's in agony. His shoulders are counted down for 2, causing H to reach for the ropes and Flair to pull him back to the middle and flip him off. Trips has to knock the ref into Ric to break the hold. Naitch knees the leg and climbs. H tries cutting him off but Flair comes off the top with an rope axe handle - AND IT WORKED! 1... 2... no.
LOW BLOW by Naitch. H crumples, but manages to grab Ric's feet when he heads for the door. Flair grabs a chair a ref was conveniently sitting on by the door as he's dragged back in. He swings at H while on his back but Trips stamps on the chair. He takes a swing himself... TESTICULAR CLAW BY NAITCH! He whips Hunter in... oh, but lowers his head too soon! Pedigree... backdrop counter on the chair! Flair then whacks HHH right between the eyes with the chair three times, allowing him to walk out of the door and win!!!
Winner: Ric Flair (still champion) Verdict: 9/10. A flat out classic. By winding the clock back to the old school cage matches these two wound up having one of the best modern day cage matches. Tonnes of dirty tricks by Naitch, and H was great at rubbing Ric's heritage in his face, reminding Flair of the great company he kept by using their moves. Oh, and then the Figure Four. It was bloody, violent, and the best match Flair had in years.
* 6,351,188 votes were cast in total.
Main Event: Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship - John Cena (C) vs Kurt Angle vs Shawn Michaels
FFS the graphic for the title STILL has the Smackdown plate on it. Lol at some guy in the crowd flipping Cena the bird.
Contrary to his earlier offer, Kurt decks HBK from the get go and wears Cena out with uppercuts. Cena sledges and suplexes Angle but Shawn breaks the fall. Kurt tries a back suplex on HBK, but Shawn turns it into a crossbody in mid-air for 2. Angle charges at Cena and get backdropped over the top. Michaels gets whipped by Cena but turns it into a baseball slide to Kurt. Backslide by Cena gets 2. Angle returns with Germans and belly to bellys for both men. HBK sunset flips out of an Angle Slam attempt but Kurt rolls through for the anklelock! Shawn rolls out, sending Kurt into an F-U attempt by Cena. Michaels tries to superkick John but he drops Angle to block and clothesline Shawn - nice sequence. Cena cradles Angle for 2. Sunset flip by Kurt(!) sees Cena stand his ground, Shawn try to crossbody him and John rolling through for 2.
The veteran's double up on Cena, sending him shoulder first to the post. Shawn sets up the Spanish table as Angle sends John to the steps. Joey: "Shawn Michaels wasn't always a choir boy." Wow DOUBLE GORDBUSTER through the Spanish table!! Now the chop war is on. Powerslam by Shawn back inside gets 2. Angle responds with a suplex (for 2) and a bodyscissors. King thinks Kurt should try something more high impact whilst Cena's still down. Shawn brawls out but runs into a belly to belly. HBK then blocks a super belly to belly and goes for the elbow... but Kurt runs the ropes to get a SUPER ANGLE SLAM! 1... 2... NO! The straps are down... CENA'S BACK! He shit cans Angle and clotheslines HBK. Baaack body drop. He starts the five moves of doom but Kurt pulls him out to stop the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Senton plancha by Shawn on both men! Back inside, Shawn starts HIS five moves of doom on Angle, but John returns before he can climb for the elbow.
Flying forearm to Cena by Shawn. Nip up! Right into a belly to belly over the top by Angle!! Holy shit! Angle: "YEEEEAH SCREW YOU!" Protobomb by Cena! U can't C me. Five knuckle shuffle. F-U... countered to the anklelock! Angle hangs on from John's roll throughs and grapevines the leg. Shawn gets up top and elbow drops Kurt! Time to tune up the band... SWEET CHIN MUSIC TO ANGLE! F-U TO HBK!! 1... 2... 3!
Winner: John Cena (still champion) Verdict: 8.5/10. While a lot of the stuff where Shawn had Cena alone in particular was a bit of busy work, this match took off whenever all three men continued to be involved, with some great spots and nice, flowing sequences.
Final Thoughts: Overall this was a thoroughly watchable show. The opening match was great. The match quality took a bit of a dip after that. Despite most of what came between the opener and the cage match being barely above average the show still remained an easy watch, with Eugene and Coach's matches being the only ones to be actively bad. Seeing Mankind again (as opposed to simply Mick Foley) was quite neat, while the super gargantuan Kane & Big Show team becoming tag champs and Trish and Mickie's relationship gave interesting plot points for the future (Murdoch, Trish and Victoria provided some notable performances in those matches too). Then the all time classic cage match kicked things up a notch, with lots of great subtle detail and storytelling to get your teeth into on top of the violence. The main event proved to be a fun outing too, with Angle and HBK delivering the goods as usual and Cena carrying his fair share of things too. That's enough for me to keep this.
TL;DR - Lots of fun to watch with three great matches and even the average matches have something to hook you.
* Opening video hypes Cena getting drafted then the Hell in the Cell ("For every beginning, there comes an end"). Triple H, Bischoff, JR & Batista give their thoughts. Dave: "I know there will be pain, I know there will be blood; I just don't care". The set has a cool gambling/Las Vegas theme.
Oh shit, look who's joined JR and King on commentary - Coach! This will be awkward. I remember interviews with JR and King on WWE.com at the time and their sentiment was they didn't like it and they always try to fiddle with the formula and it doesn't work. If THEY weren't on board with Coach being there how were we meant to be?
Match 1: WWE Intercontinental Championship Match - Carlito (C) vs Shelton Benjamin
Justin Roberts wrongly announces Carlito as the challenger. He was drafted to Raw the Monday before the show & won the belt in his first match, like he won the US Title in his first Smackdown match. They highlight a botched heelo by Shelton as a factor in his loss & question his condition as a result. There are quite a few signs in the crowd for Carlito, with duelling chants greeting both men.
Fireman's carry and flash pin by Benjamin has Carlito begging off. King thinks that immediacy shows Shelton's worried about his condition & having a long match. He impressively jackknifes out of a Carlito headscissors for 2. Carlito resorts to blows but gets kneed in the breadbasket. Finally he knocks Shelton down, but Benji nips up and gets a clothesline, prompting Carlito to try leaving only to be cut off. Carlito ducks a Stinger Splash but Shelton leaps up top and hits a clothesline. 1, 2, no. Benji's starting to look dazed.
Carlito chokes Shelton in the ropes to get the advantage, kicking his head causing him to fall outside to "Shelton sucks" and "Carlito" chants. A trio of slams back inside gets 2. RESTHOLD draws Shelton chants. Carlito randomly jaw jacks with the ref and Shelton school boys him for 2. King suggests Coach gets Carlito's hair do, but not JR - wouldn't fit under his hat!
Benji comes back with a jumping back elbow and Samoan Drop. It takes him a while but he finally fires up with rights, a baaack body drop and inverted backbreaker. 1, 2, no! Benji goes up top but loses his balance. Carlito tries cutting him off but gets hot shotted on the top rope, Shelton bumping outside! Springboard bulldog! 1, 2... no! Carlito undoes the top turnbuckle and hits an awkward Protobomb variant for 2. Dragon whip by Shelton! Stinger Splash... Carlito sends Shelton into the exposed buckle and rolls him up with the tights! 1, 2, 3!
Winner: Carlito (still champion)
Verdict: 7/10. Carlito was surprisingly uninspired working Shelton over, but Benjamin's high spots and the timing of his comebacks helped make for an entertaining match.
* Video package for Christy vs Victoria shows Victoria losing her temper after losing a bikini contest, Christy losing her temper the week after, then Victoria broke a glass... something over Christy's head mid-interview.
Match 2: Victoria vs Christy Hemme
Victoria's heel version of her Milkshake song is interesting. Christy runs to the ring & chases Victoria before being cut off. Hemme punts Victoria when her head is lowered from a whip then bashes her head against the canvas & top turnbuckle, choking her only to get hot shotted. Victoria pulls some of Christy's hair in a hangwoman variant. Lots of chokes - what is this, an early 90s Undertaker match? RESTHOLD. Vegas: "We want puppies". God the screams in this match, it's like the women's final at Wimbledon!
Insert Serena Williams level yelps
Widow's Peak... Christy tries a roll up escape but gets dragged up by the hair and bashed against the buckle. Moonsault... Christy moved! She looks angry and does some hair pull throws. DDT. 1, 2, no! That surprised JR, he was like "A DDTEEE!" Victoria charges Christy in the corner, Hemme tries her split-legged sunset flip but Victoria drops down and grabs the ropes to get the 3!
Winner: Victoria
Verdict: 3.5/10. Very little of substance here. Christy sold anger pretty well but her offence was shit. Surprisingly, so was Victoria's.
* Todd Grisham interviews John Cena. His street lingo is pretty embarrassing in retrospect. He feels like the new kid and asks Todd if he ever was. T-Grish goes on a tangent, revealing he had an "accident" once and got called "Todd Pissham". Cena was like "WTF!?" and returns to the point... being new, he's a target. He calls Christian the weird kid at the back of the bus picking his boogers and Y2J the guy in leopard skin spandex who stuffed his crotch. Too bad for them Cena was "the kid voted most likely to kick someone's ass". The Champ is here!
* The Kane vs Edge feud is covered next, highlighting Kane and Lita's weird relationship before she turned on him at the Gold Rush final. Pain was Kane's only friend but now he's found a pain that hurts so much. We then see the awesomely ridiculous wedding where Kane came out from under the canvas. "By the power invested in me by the Lord... JESUS CHRIST!!" Kane: "I'M BAAAAAACK!"
Match 3: Edge (Mr. Money in the Bank, w/Lita) vs Kane
Kane chases Edge round the ring & gets cut off (just like last match, Dammit D'Lo) only to hit the corner 10 punch, punching past the fan's 10 count. He maims Edge in the corner. Vegas: "We want Matt!" Clothesline over the top by Kane, who notices Lita talking shit to fans so decides to stalk her. Edge fails at a sneak attack. Vegas: "She's a crack whore!" Edge rakes the eyes and avoids getting shit canned but Kane punches him off the apron. King: "These fans say slut like it's a bad thing."
Kane goes to snake eyes Edge into the post but Lita pulls him down to help him escape, throw Kane to the post & hit the spear outside! Edge tries to get a cheap count out. Kane gets in at 8 only to eat a baseball slide dropkick. Edge stomps Kane all over, shouldering him in the corner and kicking the crap out of him springing off the ropes. Kane's absorbing Edge's rights and asks for more, but Edge slips out of a slam and hits the Edge-o-matic. Kane sits up! And gets dropkicked down. And sits up again! Corner clotheslines by Kane. Edge blocks one but leaps off the second rope right into an uppercut!
Snake eyes & lariat by Kane gets 2. He gets punted lowering his head on a whip but comes back with a sidewalk slam. Top rope clothesline... dropkicked out of mid air by Edge! Spear... met with a big boot! Kane wants a chokeslam but has to kick an interfering Snitsky off the apron. Goozle... Lita's in the ring with a chair. She flirts with Kane - it doesn't work! He chokes her, gets the chair & tries to Pillmanize her neck!! As the ref stops it, Snitsky sneaks in with a big boot. Edge covers - 1, 2... no. Fans were biting on that. Edge-a-cution... Kane throws him off like a beast, then goozles Snitsky as he comes off the top. Lita distracts the ref & Edge goes to hit Kane with the briefcase but Kane uses the tron to dodge and it hits Snitsky! GOOZLE! Chokeslam to Hell! 1, 2, 3! Fans loved that finish.
Winner: Kane
Verdict: 7.5/10. Here's how you book a punch-kick match. The opening wasn't anything spectacular but the flow and timing these two had together caused things to really pick up. I was gagging for an Edge vs Undertaker feud after this (if he could get something like this from Kane, imagine what he could do with Taker), he showed much more chemistry with Kane than the year before at Backlash.
* Fuck yeah the Angle-HBK rematch is next so they show highlights from Mania. HBK is interviewed. He seems aghast when Todd claimed Angle guaranteed he'd be the first to make him tap twice. HBK: "Story of my life, 'HBK can you top that?' I dunno. One thing though GUARANTEED! VENGEANCE... will be mine."
Match 4: Kurt Angle vs Shawn Michaels
JR marks out over seeing Shawn's first ever match and calls both men future Hall of Famers. Massive HBK chants greet Shawn in ring. JR claims Kurt's been wrestling since five years old!
Ace go behind by Angle forces a rope break. Oh God, Shawn hangs on for a headlock and I'm getting flashbacks to that bit from Mania. Angle doesn't mess around though, trying a single leg takedown to "Angle sucks" chants. Kurt gets the first knockdown only to get hip tossed & arm dragged. Angle awesomely wrestles from the bottom up to regain control, kneeing Shawn in the arm, causing him to take a breather. MASSIVE chops by Shawn then force KURT to take a breather. Kurt uses Shawn's concern for his arm against him to get a half crab. Michaels gets the ropes. Sunset flip... countered to the anklelock but Shawn rolls through & clotheslines Kurt out. Shawn pursues him outside.
An Angle Slam to the post like at Mania is countered. Kurt then ducks a chop to German suplex Shawn onto the Spanish announce table! Vegas: "Holy shit!" The table didn't break & King wonders if Shawn's head hit one of the TVs under the table top. Angle brings HBK back in, viciously knees him and gets a neckbreaker for 2. MASSIVE uppercuts by Kurt, who powerbombs Michales into the buckle! 1, 2... no. JR: "That may have been the damnedest thing I've ever seen." RESTHOLD. JR: "I wouldn't count Shawn Michaels out if he was on his deathbed." JR gives Shawn credit for using the chops that irritate Angle, but he hits the buckles from a charge and eats a HUGE German! 1, 2... no!
Angle Slam... armdrag counter. HBK gets flattened with a clothesline for 2. Kurt tries a belly to belly superplex but Shawn knocks him off, only to jump into a regular belly to belly. 1, 2, no. King: "I've heard cats say 'quick as Kurt Angle'" RESTHOLD CITY, Kurt cranking the neck ala Orton. Michaels suplexes out and both men brawl. King: "I don't think Kurt Angle can ever afford to throw wrestling out the window." Flying forearm by Shawn! Nip up. It's the HBK comeback special. Jesus his knee nearly hit Kurt's skull on the top rope elbow. He tunes up the band... oh Lord Kurt STEAMROLLERS him with a lariat!!! 1, 2, NO! Another Angle Slam effort... countered to a swinging DDT! 1, 2... no! Kurt's mouth is bleeding.
Michaels tries a suplex but Kurt floats behind for a German! He holds on but gets elbowed SQUARE on the bridge of the nose. Angle Slam! 1... 2... NO. Anklelock attempt... small package by Shawn - 1, 2... NO. Kurt rolls out of a waistlock tremendously to get the anklelock! HBK rolls through & Angle collides with the ref. Oh God, Kurt backdrops Michaels over the top and Shawn lands right on the hurt leg, giving it the hard sell. One smark buys it hook line and sinker: "C'mon Shawn! Don't let us down! C'mon shake it off! *Doctors call for help* Oh c'mon!" Kurt drags him back in. The straps are down. Anklelock! JR: "I'll be damned, Angle's gonna do it after all." Angle holds on despite Shawn's kicking. Rampant HBK chants. He reaches the ropes but Angle drags him back to the middle. Shawn finally rolls through to send Kurt to the post.
JR gets pissed at Coach counting Shawn out. Kurt walks right into a GARGANTUAN SWEET CHIN MUSIC!!! 1... 2... NO! Shawn's still draped over Kurt so he keeps his shoulder up, and just to be safe the ref pretends his hand is hurt too haha. Kurt finally shakes Shawn off and randomly heads up top. JR: "What's Angle thinking here?" King: "You can't think like Kurt Angle, JR... your head would explode." Naturally he's swatted out of mid air with Sweet Chin Music! 1... 2... 3! King: "Coach, can you believe it?" Coach: "I can't believe it!" JR: "Shawn Michaels believes it!"
Winner: Shawn Michaels
Verdict: 9.5/10. Phenomenal as you'd expect. It felt much more organic than the Mania match aside from the finish; rather than the forced "this is going to be a classic" layout of the first match this was just balls to the wall "it's another day at the office but that still means you're getting my best." One of my all time favourite matches.
* Coach snuck backstage to interview Batista. He doesn't fancy Dave's odds, claims it took shady officiating for him to win at Backlash (bollocks) & like an idiot calls him "scared spitless". So Dave calls him an "ASS KISSING suck up" and reiterates he's not scared of Trips or the Cell. "Triple H is going to have to KILL ME to take my title." Ohnoz, Hunter shows up, says nobody beats him in the Cell, cuing a pull apart brawl!
* Randomly there's a sofa in the ring, and Lillian Garica. She introduces the man that's made her like a whirlwind - Viscera! Oh lord. Vis is wearing a huge, ace Heffner jacket. King to JR: "I know you're happily married, but is your wife?" Vis scared her at first but he's shown her what a SEXY man he is haha. She invites Vis to sit down, dims the lights and serenades him with a dodgy song about wanting him to "fill [her] up inside" that degenerates into "I love you"s. Lillian gets on one knee & proposes! Vis says that's heavy which is rich coming from him, but he'll consider it.
THE GODFATHER is here!!! He brought some Hoes! They're wearing fuck all. King: "Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug - it's the HO TRAIN, JR!" JR: "I'm shocked to see The Godfather." King: "I can't believe that with these Hoes in the ring you're looking at The Godfather. What's wrong with you?" JR: "I just said I was SHOCKED to see THE GODFATHER. There's not a damn thing wrong with me!" Godfather says Vis used to be a pimp in training - and you're talking about getting married? You really want one woman for the rest of your life? Or do you want to ride the HO TRAIN! Vis pervs over all the Hoes. Vegas: "Save the Hoes!" Vis: "All aboard the HOOO TRAIIIN!" JR: "He's gots to have it." Lilian breaks down in tears which is impressive. Vis turns back to Lilian on the ramp & says sorry.
* The WWE Title match is next. They recap Cena's shock draft to Raw & Christian interrupting ("you talk like Snoop Dogg but look like Corey Haim"). Cena gave him a five second pose in a nice call back. Y2J was annoyed to hear Christian was number one contender, so he beat up Cena after tagging with him, convincing Bischoff to make it a triple threat.
Match 5: Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship - John Cena (C) vs Chris Jericho vs Christian (w/Tyson Tomko)
Cap's overalls look a little off white. King proposes commentary each pick a guy to bet on and fights over Cap with Coach. Coach: "I know JR will pick John Cena." JR: "...it don't matter who JR picks."
Y2J slaps the piss out of Cena and gets taken down but John winds up double teamed by the Canucks. They try to upstaging each other with chops but Y2J turns on Christian. Tomko botches low bridging Jericho out, so pulls him out & hot shots him on the barricade. Cena hits a jumping hip toss & stomps a mudhole in Cap. Tomko clubs John in plain sight of the ref, so he's naturally told "YOU'RRREEEE OUTTA HEREEE!!!". Some problem solver he is. Christian runs into a Cena body press, then tries to leapfrog out of the corner but gets FUed to the outside!
Top rope reverse elbow by Y2J! Gets 2. A thumb to the eye cuts off a Cena comeback to small "Cena sucks" chants. Bulldog by Jericho! Lionsault... Cena rolls away but runs into a forearm and is taken outside with a baseball slide. Chris sets up the Spanish table to some ECW chants. Cena blocks the attempted suplex through it and DDTs Jericho on the title belt. Cap sends John to the steps & hooks a RSTHOLD back in ring. Cap: "You can't see me!" He runs into a Cena clothesline. King: "I think he saw him". Yet another "ducked head on a whip gets punted" spot as John gets the Protobomb only for Jericho to pull him out into the steps to stop the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cap baseball slides Y2J into referee Earl Hebner, who tumbles painfully onto the Spanish table.
Chris rolls through a knee & tries the Walls but Cap kicks him off into Cena (who'd got on the apron) & rolls him up for 2! Jericho cuts Christian off up top, then Cena powerbombs Jericho as he superplexes Christian!!! Cena gets near falls on both, then fires up with clotheslines, slamming Y2J & drop toe holding Cap onto him face first! U can't C me... DOUBLE FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE. Sunset flips to Jericho... Cap school boys Cena off for a near fall. DOUBLE JACKKNIFE by Chris gets 2, so Cena and Cap double clothesline him then take each other out. E'rbody down! A collision in the corner sees Y2J fall outside. Roll up on Cap: 1, 2... no. FU... rake to the eyes & reverse DDT by Cap! 1, 2... no!
Christian is salivating, and his attempt to bring the belt in allows Tomko to sneak in & clothesline Cena (what is this night of shit run ins?). That only gets 2, so Cap has a tantrum & raises his own hands, but Earl pulls them down and tells him "NO!" Backdrop to the outside by Cena! WALLS OF JERICHO! Cap started to get back in so Y2J springboard dropkicks him & reapplies the hold. Cap sneaks a roll up on Jericho: 1, 2... no. Bulldog ducked... Y2J shoves Christian off an Unprettier attempt... into the arms of Cena! He swings Cap's feet into Chris and hits the FU! 1... 2... 3!
Winner: John Cena (still champion)
Verdict: 8/10. Lots of one man in, one man out stuff, but a great bunch of spots near the end with everyone involved at once, and all three pairings never dull together.
* Oh boy, the Cell lowers to the ominous cage lowering noise. JR puts over Trips has never lost in the Cell (well, one on one) & Dave's never been in it. The feud is recapped from the very beginning. After winning the Backlash rematch, Dave rather dickishly says maybe Hunter isn't good enough, causing him to walk out for a while. Dave then showed Sting level blind faith in trusting Flair only to be betrayed when H came back to make the challenge for the Cell match.
Main Event: Hell in the Cell Match for the World Heavyweight Championship - Batista (C) vs Triple H
The door is chained shut so the Cell hangs over the ring as both men enter. JR: "The list of men Triple H has beaten inside the Cell reads like a who's who: Mick Foley, Chris Jericho, Kevin Nash, Shawn Michaels." King: "Mick Foley openly admitted, JR, that he was never the same man after he faced Triple H inside Hell in the Cell." Ace, Dave's finally got his Saliva theme! He got a huge pop, dare I say bigger than Cena's. He's in all white which is playing with fire. In a great move, he doesn't climb the ropes when posing in the corners because he doesn't want Hunter jumping him. The Cell finally lowers & "the grandfather" in JR warns the audience this won't be family viewing.
Rights by Trips to start, but Dave comes back with a clothesline and sidewalk slam. Both men block attempt to send the other to the Cell. Oh, NOW we get a lock up! Batista powers H down, clotheslining him over the top, slamming the back of his head to the Cell & whipping him into it before Trips comes back by whipping him to the post. Big time Batista chants, as Hunter knocks him off the apron into the Cell from a head of steam! JR: "The Cell has a sadomasochistic personality in my view. It waits for its next victim, much like Triple H." Hunter finds a toolbox(!) and gets a chain from it. He whips it over Dave's back. Urgh, he reaches over the top to choke Batista with the chain, then knocks him off the apron so it's even tighter!
Quickly Dave fights back, hotshotting Trips, whipping him with the chain, driving him back first into the post and corner of the Cell over and over, then finally taking him face first into the Cell. That busts H open... but before the Animal can capitalise the Game hits a beautiful spinebuster! Holy shit Hunter finds a chair WRAPPPED IN BARBED WIRE & whacks Dave in the back with it!! The cuts open up quickly. Batista thankfully blocks a headshot, but eats a facebreaker. Clothesline by Dave. He's got the chair... JESUS he whacks Hunter right in the head with it! JR: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" He rakes the barbs over H's face!!! Now he grates his face into the Cell. Snake eyes into the Cell! Trips eventually evades Dave's shoulders in the corner and tries a Pedigree on the barbed chair, but Dave backdrops out and gets a front powerslam on the chair. 1... 2... no.
Batista gets the chain... and Hunter lures him into a DDT on the barbed chair! That's his cue to blade. Some dick yells boring as H rams the Animal's wound into the Cell. Hunter's got the hammer. JR: "Not the damned sledgehammer!" Dave slugs back, but his Batista Bomb is backdropped out of. Hammer shot by Hunter! 1... 2... NO! Big Batista chants. Hunter swings for a prone Dave... and gets kicked in the nuts. Batista grabs the hammer, roars and runs at H... and gets punched with the chain! 1, 2... no. Trips goes to the second rope for another chain punch... but Dave gets the hammer head right under Hunter's jaw! He spits blood on impact (yeah sure) & Flair flops. JR: "The slobber knocker of all slobber knockers."
Dave brings the base of the steps in the ring, props it in the corner and splatters Hunter's face into it. Thumbs up? Thumbs down... but Trips gets a colossal low blow. Pedigree!! 1... 2... NO! King: "He can't believe it, Triple H has lived and died by the Pedigree." H sets the stair base flat in the ring. Pedigree on the base?! ...SPINEBUSTER ON THE BASE BY BATISTA!!! Batista Bomb attempt... Trips grabbed the hammer & goes to swing at Dave... but gets hit with the Batista Bomb before he can strike!!! 1... 2... 3! What a great finish, with a great image of Hunter downed, hammer still in hand.
Winner: Batista (still champion)
Verdict: 9/10. Excellent weapons brawl. It started with fundamental "you use the weapon, I use the weapon" booking, but my God the way they upped and upped the violence was just phenomenal. It was great to see some different weapons from the norm (the chain, THAT barbed wire chair, the base of the steps as opposed to the top). Dave might not be a five star wrestler, but he's a great brawler who'll adapt to a gimmick or environment well. Major props to Hunter too.
Final Thoughts: Oh boy, I just loved Spring/Summer 2005 in WWE. This is one of my personal favourite pay per views of all time. It's only a six match card, so of course there's a bit of filler with that daft Viscera angle, but other than that they used the time between matches well with lots of hype packages and interviews. The women's match is the only one that's an outright dud. Besides that, you've got a decent IC Title match, a well booked Kane-Edge match, legitimately one of the best matches of all time from Kurt and HBK, a good WWE Title match and Batista and Triple H's best match together in a great Cell match with some pretty innovative violence. This is the definition of a keeper.
TL;DR - A great, focused show with little that failed to deliver.
Here's an important show for me. By the end of 2004 I was falling out of love with wrestling. Post Backlash, so many pay per views left me either not as satisfied as I used to be or just flat out disappointed. WWE felt stale and unable to meet my expectations. 2005 had a shaky start too - poor reviews put me off buying the Royal Rumble (Divas search rejects being the focus of the WWE title match, Orton and HHH flopping again and Cena and Batista, the big hopes for the future, buggering the finish of the Rumble match). Then Wrestlemania approached: it had an absolutely mouthwatering card and the prospect of Cena and Batista as the new faces of the company became more enticing. So I gave this show a try and never looked back.
WWE Wrestlemania 21 April 3rd 2005 Staples Center, Los Angeles, California Attendance: 20,193
* Lilian Garcia sings 'Murica The Beautiful instead of the usual celeb. It's not as good as when she did it acapella in 2000. It's weird seeing undead Undertaker slapping hands with troops in the clips. They've taken the "Wrestlemania goes Hollywood" motif quite seriously with RED CARPET, a Hollywood sign parody and "Now showing" screen. They even raise the curtain on the Tron.
* Lots of clips of the movie parody ads are shown. I felt sorry for Booker T - this is the only glimpse we get of him. We get the Gladiator parody with Stone Cold in full. The guy in Joaquin Phoenix's role is crap. That's it? No build for the actual card? Huh.
Match 1: WWE Tag Team Champion Eddie Guerrero vs WWE Tag Team Champion Rey Mysterio
The Mexi Powers Explode! Chavo stirred the shit pointing out Eddie hadn't beaten Rey in a while, hence this match. Sadly Rey has no superhero outfit this year, just a Mexico themed one and a dire mask he has to keep adjusting.
Eddie mat wrestles to start. Rey flips out of a fireman's carry but eats a deep armdrag. Mysterio sunset flips out of a Greco-Roman knuckle lock, but Eddie catapults him over the top. Rey dodges a baseball slide and fakes a dive. Back to the knuckle lock. Guerrero is monkey flipped over and both BRIDGE UP. Mysterio flips out of a Northern Lights Suplex and lures Eddie into a huge monkey toss! He lands on his feet from a backdrop over the top but Eddie clocks him and hits a plancha. BIG back suplex by Eddie gets 2 between restholds, including an STF and a lovely surfboard he had to break as his shoulders were down. Rey flips out of a hammerlock to armdrag Eddie outside (it looked heavily edited). Corkscrew plancha by Rey!
Seated senton back inside only for Eddie to try the Three Amigos... reverse victory roll by Rey! Gets 2! Tazz puts over Eddie's "heavy duty offence" as he gets a vicious backbreaker for 2. Three Amigos countered again with an around the world headscissors, but Eddie ducks the 619 to get a gorgeous tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2. AT LAST Eddie hits all Three Amigos. Froggy Splash... missed! Mahistral by Rey... countered! 1, 2, NO. Rey avoids a powerbomb... 619! West Coast Pop... blocked with a powerbomb! 1, 2... NO! Crowd chant for Eddie but out of nowhere Rey counters a tilt-a-whirl with a hurricanrana for 3!
Winner: Rey Mysterio
Verdict: 7.5/10. Neat match with good work on the back by Eddie. It just lacked the killer edge of a true rivalry, despite being pretty competitive.
* JBL and his cabinet are backstage. "Ha ha we stroll on a Sunday night MAGGLE!" They bump into Triple H and Ric Flair. Hunter says JBL calling himself a wrestling God is a joke, but JBL says he hasn't lost yet - worry about Batista, he guarantees Cena's dealt with. HHH: "Keep telling yourself you're good, and sooner or later somebody will believe you." John missed a prime opportunity to nick H's catchphrase there. They agree to wait til the night ends to see who's champ.
Match 2: Money in the Bank Ladder Match - Chris Jericho vs Chris Benoit vs Christian (w/ Tomko) vs Kane vs Edge vs Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin
Ah yes, the debut of a great, long lasting concept. The winner gets a World title match any time they choose within the next year. Benoit has stitches from a match on Raw. In another ace spot based on Kane's entrance, the ladders erected on stage catch fire after his pyro!
Everyone attacks Kane on the ramp. Shelton and Benoit suplex him on the floor. Christian tries to get a ladder in the ring but Y2J whacks it into his face. He dropkicks a brawling Edge and Benoit off the apron and planchas Edge. Double jump plancha by Christian. Tope con heelo by Shelton! Finally Kane hits his flying clothesline to everyone! King: "You're right JR, this does resemble a human demolition derby." Kane clocks E & C with a ladder but Jericho dropkicks it in his face, then takes out Edge and Benjamin with it. Benoit Germans Y2J WHILE HE HOLDS THE LADDER! King: "I don't think I've ever seen a ladder and a wrestler suplexed at the same time."
Kane stops Benoit's climb but is put in the crossface! An interfering Edge does too, but Kane DRILLS Benoit in the face with a ladder and uses it like a guillotine to injure his arm. Spear by Edge to huge heat. LA: "You screwed Matt". E & C sandwich Kane between ladders but Shelton takes them out with a double clothesline. Edge ducks a Dragon Whip and it hits Cap, who's holding a ladder. JR: "Christian has eaten more ladder than the law should allow." Edge tries to spear Shelton into a ladder but gets flapjacked and Stinger Splashed into it. Nearly everyone climbs all at once. Arm breaker off the ladder to Benoit by Christian. Benjamin T-Bone Suplexes Edge off the ladder! Y2J lays out Cap on a ladder hooked into a standing ladder's rungs and climbs. Shelton RUNS UP THE SLANTED LADDER to clothesline Jericho off!!!
Kane tries chokeslamming him outside but his foot gets caught in the ropes. Big boot by Tomko to Kane. He tries to lift Christian up the ladder but Kane shit cans him and knocks the CLB off the ladder onto Tomko outside! Kane and Y2J brawl up the ladder and both fall, Jericho sent over the top, Kane throat first to the ropes. Oh God, Benoit sets up a ladder in the corner... DIVING HEADBUTT OFF THE LADDER TO KANE! It reopened his stitches. He climbs but KANE SITS UP and climbs. Benoit headbutts the fuck out of him to knock him off. Edge hits the injured arm with a chair! Unopposed, he climbs and gets the case to win!!!
Winner: Edge
Verdict: 9/10. Holy fuck what a match. Tremendous spots, glued together with the story of Benoit's injured arm and stitches. Benjamin stole the show here with such incredible athleticism.
* Eugene's here. Being at Wrestlemania is his second favourite Mania moment ever behind the midgets attacking Bundy at WM III. He's interrupted by Davari and Muhammed Hassan. King: "The smart thing for Eugene to do would be to leave". Hassan is angry, not because he doesn't like midgets, but because he's not on the show. He gets the What treatment talking of Hollywood bigotry. Davari speaks non-English and Eugene's all "What are you saying?" Inevitably they beat Eugene up, Hassan with the Camel Clutch to FUCK HIS ASS AND MAKE HIM HUMBLE.
The crowd clearly know what's coming but still mark THE FUCK out for new Hall of Famer HULK HOGAN coming out. JR: "Business is about to pick up." Big boot to Hassan, who gets shitcanned. Hulk talks trash forever while Davari stalks him with a chair. JR: "For the love of God c'mon!" He finally hits Hulk with the chair and it's no sold. FINGER POINT OF DOOM. Another boot and Davari's sent packing. Cue hot dogging and grand standing. JR: "Just like Hulkamania itself, this moment will live forever." ... So long as nothing exposes Hogan as a racist or anything. His wife, daughter and FORMER WCW CHAMPION David Arquette are shown at ringside.
"Yew don't like 'Murica yew cin jist gidddooooouutt!"
* Oh yes, next they hype Orton vs Taker, the first "someone tries to break the streak" feud. Orton wanted to add it to his "Legend Killer" resume. He slapped Taker and RKOed "girlfriend" Stacy Kiebler in the lead up.
Match 3: Interpromotional Match - The Undertaker (r/Smackdown) vs Randy Orton (r/Raw)
Druids with torches accompany Taker again. He "floats" to the ring on a platform hidden by smog. Tazz: "He's movin' to the ring but he's not walking." Cole calls it "Mind... games." Tazz correctly states he isn't Orton as Cole puts over how unheralded Taker's streak is and randomly includes Rob Van Dam in the list of legends Orton's taken out.
Orton sticks and moves to start, slapping Taker again. Nice leapfrog and dropkick. BAACK body drop. Leapfrog again but Randy eats a big soupbone. Cole: "Randy Orton cannot get into a slugfest with the legend." Beautiful roll up counter to a corner avalanche gets Orton 2. He tries the RKO but Taker hoists him over the top and into the announce table. Nasty. Apron legdrop by Taker! VINTAGE UNDERTAKER. Orton takes Old School completely wrong but ducks a boot in the corner and dropkicks Taker off the apron into the barricade. Clothesline back in gets 2 but Taker comes back with near falls from a running DDT and sidewalk slam.
Snake eyes by the Deadman... but Orton bounces back with a reverse elbow for 2. He clubs Taker and poses but Taker sits up. They botch a clothesline spot. Taker covers for 2, mouths "Fuck" and tells Randy the next spot. Dragon sleeper puts Orton out. His hand falls twice but he then gets a beautiful DDT counter. 1, 2, no. Randy with a chinlock, then a sleeper but Taker suplexes out. Orton gets booted when he charges to the corner but catches Taker with a sweet powerslam from a head of steam for 2. Tazz: "Randy Orton's a focused young athlete, a pure bred. He's the real deal Cole."
Randy mounts Taker in the corner to punch and pose. Big mistake... Last Ride... countered, RKO... Orton's knocked into the ref. They botch the Last Ride but out comes Randy's Hall of Fame dad, Ace Cowboy Bob Orton WEARING HIS CAST. Cast shot to Taker! He gets the ref. 1... 2... NO! The crowd were into that. Taker sits up! Ace gets on the apron but when Randy whips Taker over he kicks Bob's head off. Goozle! Chokeslam... amazing MIDAIR RKO counter!!! 1, 2... NO. Orton calls for the Tombstone... but the Phenom flips out. Tombstone city! 1... 2... 3!
Winner: The Undertaker (13-0)
Verdict: 8/10. I'm a massive mark for this match. All the botches hurt it much more than I remembered but the fact is going into this match I had no faith in Orton mustering up anything against Taker and he came out with a really good outing. I also felt this was the start of a rejuvenation for Taker we'd not see consistently until a good couple of years later.
* King: "I may not be a leader of men but I'm certainly a follower of women." Must be Women's Title time!Christy Hemme won the Divas Search and got on the cover of Playboy. Trish took issue with the cover describing her as a champion. To even the odds Christy sought training from Lita.
Match 4: WWE Women's Championship Match - Trish Stratus (C) vs Christy Hemme (w/ Lita)
Christy's skip to the ring sure is something. Trish trolls Lita over her knee injury and has a unique outfit with a shirt collar and braces.
Trish mocks Christy, laying down for her, shoving her, sending her outside and to the steps easily. LA to Lita: "We want Matt." Trish mocks Hemme's skip and goes to finish early with the Chick Kick, but it's blocked. Lita distracts the ref and Christy kicks Trish in the groin! Christy's offence is mostly just pins - a banana split pin and sunset flip from doing the splits on the top buckle both get 2. Trish spears Hemme and pats herself on the back. Lita checks on Christy outside so Trish decks her into the barricade, but gets distracted talking smack back inside and is rolled up for 2. Christy starts kicking Trish's leg and bashing her head into the buckle. Reverse Twist of Fate! 1, 2, no. Reverse victory roll by Trish is rolled through for 2, but the Chick Kick gets 3 for Trish.
Winner: Trish Stratus (still champion)
Verdict: 3.5/10. Surprisingly serviceable thanks to Trish's antics but Christy's offence was really poor. The crowd, who'd turned on Lita already due to the Edge affair, turned on the whole match when they saw how little Christy had to offer.
* Hell yeah, HBK vs Angle us next. Apparently people irritated Kurt in 1996 talking of Shawn's wrestling clinic at Mania XII when he won an Olympic Gold Medal. This is the first time I can recall Shawn calling himself "Mr Wrestlemania".
Match 5: Interpromotional Match - Shawn Michaels (r/Raw) vs Kurt Angle (r/Smackdown)
What is it with Mania crowds not giving Shawn much love in the mid 00s? He didn't get a very big pop. King on Kurt: "First and only Olympic Gold Medallist in WWE history." JR: "... Fans still think he sucks." JR calls this the mat wrestler vs the catch-as-catch-can stylist.
Shawn slaps Kurt and gets taken down and waistlocked everywhere. Oh fuck off with the "You screwed Bret" chants LA, you're not in Canada! One bug bear I have: HBK gets Angle in a headlock FOREVER. It makes no sense, Kurt should school him here. Ever after a suplex Shawn doesn't break. Twice he hangs on from whip attempts. Kurt has to force a break in the corner. After a beautiful go behind he's headlocked AGAIN. This time he elbows out only to be hiptossed and put in a short armed scissors. Angle tries rolling HBK up, but has no luck until he deadlifts him. A sunset flip and backslide both get 2 for HBK then ARGH he gets the headlock AGAIN! And Kurt has to break in the corner AGAIN!
Get comfy Kurt, you'll be there a while
Angle doesn't mess about and gets the anklelock! Shawn rolls out and clotheslines himself and Kurt over the top in a nasty spill. HBK sets up an announce table but Kurt BATTERS him with uppercuts, going to suplex him through the table. Shawn blocks, only to be ANGLE SLAMMED INTO THE POST! Kurt targets the back, getting 2 from a suplex back inside. He facewashes Shawn while hooking a bodyscissors. Duelling "Let's go Michaels/Let's go Angle" chants as Michaels escapes, but he's turned upside down in the corner and suffers a great pair of belly to bellys for 2. HBK slaps Kurt again so he gets clocked with a clothesline for 2. Angle takes him up top. Superplex blocked... but Shawn misses the elbow!
The straps are down! Angle slam... beautiful armdrag counter! HUGE backdrop over the top by Shawn, followed by a crossbody to the outside. He crawls to the apron and Kurt tries to German him off it! HBK gets the ref's attention and mule kick's Kurt's nuts! How heelish. He kicks Angle onto the table... SPRINGBOARD SPLASH ONTO KURT ON THE TABLE!
It didn't break!!! King says it's been re-enforced with steel. The count is on. Both crawl in at 9. Kurt's bleeding at the mouth. Flying forearm by Shawn! Nip up. Inverted atomic drop. Top rope elbow! He tunes up the band... but the superkick is blocked! Anklelock!! Even when Shawn rolls through Angle hangs on. It takes AGES but Michaels gets the rope. Angle slam... no, sunset flip... rolled through to another anklelock! Victory roll counter - 1, 2... no. Clothesline ducked... superkick blocked... Angle slam! 1, 2... NO.
Kurt pulls his straps up just to pull them back down. Rare moonsault attempt... misses! Shawn struggles to go up top. Angle runs the ropes and SUPER ANGLE SLAMS SHAWN!! 1... 2... NO! Holy shit that got a great reaction. Angle hauls HBK up and screams in his face demanding he taps out. Sweet Chin Music! Michaels crawls over. 1... 2... no. HBK struggles up... anklelock out of nowhere!!! JR: "He'll snap it like a twig!" Kurt keeps it on no matter what, rolling through with Shawn, pulling him to the centre. Leg grapevine! It takes FOREVER but EVENTUALLY SHAWN TAPS!
Winner: Kurt Angle
Verdict: 9.5/10. Phenomenal match. My misgivings over the overly long headlock and Shawn lasting so long in the anklelock only stop this being a perfect match, they don't stop it being a classic match. The highest drama singles match I can remember since Austin vs Rock at X7.
* Apparently they had awards for the film parody trailers. The Basic Instinct one won best female and punchline.
Piper's Pit with special guest Stone Cold Steve Austin
Piper was inducted into the Hall of Fame last night, hence this. JR: "They broke the mould when they made that man." He says thank you for the HoF then asks: Who's the greatest rebel in WWE history? Austin? "Bullshit". He calls out Austin. In a cool effect the picture breaks like glass. Big reaction for Steve. Piper welcomes him with a slap so Austin thanks him with one too. Roddy: "I kinda like ya." Apparently he hasn't met Austin til now. The fans give him the What treatment but he plays up to it well talking of Austin and Vince. "Try to keep up with me". Piper has an AWESOME line: "I was here when Wrestlemania didn't have a number. I was pissin' Vince McMahon off when the red on the back of your neck was diaper rash, buddy."
Austin runs down Roddy's outfit: "Your little red dress [WHAT?], little furry gimmicks [WHAT?], little messed up boots [WHAT?], your little goatee [WHAT?] looks like a cat run off." Oh boy, Carlito interrupts, because arguing and slapping each other like little girls isn't cool. Piper: "You look like alfalfa". Carlito tells them to leave. Roddy snatches his apple out of mid-air, bites loads off and spits it on him. Carlito starts beating him up. Austin's amused initially, before deciding to stomp a mudhole and walk it dry. THUMB TO THE EYE BY PIPER! STUNNER! Piper and Austin toast. JR: "Austin likes a cold beer every now and then." STUNNER TO PIPER! Oh man there's a perfect shot of Austin toasting the crowd where beer sloshes on the camera.
* The Taxi Driver parody was voted the best. Big Show, Batista and Snitsky had the funniest bits but dear God did we need that glimpse of Michael Cole's chest?!
Match 6: Sumo Match - Akebono vs Big Show
I'm guessing the announcement of this match got a bad reaction because they cut to Tony Chimel explaining the rules suddenly. Push your opponent out of the circle or knock him off his feet to win. They show some happy Japanese people in the crowd when Akebono comes out. He's Hawaiian, the first foreign born Grand Champion in Sumo history. It still feels weird Show went from a WWE Title match last month to this.
Cole is pretty good explaining the opening traditions. I'm sure everyone was DYING to see Show in his Sumo gear. Eventually the ref gets them to start, both men with a big flurry using traditional two handed techniques. They reach the circle's edge but Show stands his ground well. He charges at Akebono but winds up more stunned than him. So Show does his ARGH chokeslam taunt to Hulk up and goes back to it, at one point lifting Akebono CLEAN OFF his feet, but Akebono quickly shuts him down, pushing him straight down and all the way out of the ring to win.
Winner: Akebono
Verdict: N/A. Well that definitely happened. I can't think of them ever doing an attraction seemingly just to appeal to overseas viewers before this. Moving on...
* JBL vs Cena is hyped next. JBL essentially made it a class war and screwed Cena out of his US Title, destroying the custom spinner version. Cena FUed Teddy Long in frustration so they did the whole "no touching" deal.
Match 7: WWE Championship Match - John Bradshaw Layfield (C) vs Jonn Cena
Bradshaw's entrance was peak JBL here: his limo had a police escort and $100 bills with his face on fall from the roof. They find an Asian lass in the crowd who picks one up and goes "JBLLL!" when she sees what it is. Cole lists the opponents and gimmick matches JBL has survived. I think this is the debut of Cena's "My Time Is Now" theme. That and everyone grabbing the JBL money means he gets a pretty subdued reaction which is weird to hear.
Headlock by JBL to start. Leapfrog(!) and shoulderblock by Cena, who runs into a boot and is stiffed with rights and clubs. A pair of neckbreakers by JBL gets 2. He catapults Cena's throat into the ropes. Cena brawls back but suffers a spinebuster and straitjacket neckbreaker for near falls. Again Cena's cut off by a thumb to the eye and hard clotheslines, and has to get his foot on the ropes from the cover. He's caught in a sleeper but eventually suplexes out. Stereo clotheslines put both men down.
Cena brawls but gets pulled outside and neckbreakered on the floor. Superplex by JBL gets a near fall. The comeback's finally on when JBL goes up top and Cena counters with a powerslam. Clotheslines, backdrop, shoulderblocks and calling JBL a sunovabitch follows. Dodgy jumping hip toss followed by the protobomb actually gets some boos. U can't C me! Five knuckle shuffle. He calls for the FU but runs into a boot. Clothesline from Hell... ducked... FU! 1, 2, 3!
* Recap of the Hall of Fame ceremony. Jimmy Hart saying "The Megaphone!" was neat, but pales in comparison to The Iron Sheik recounting NOBODY BEAT BOB BACKLUND... MADISON SQUARE GARDEN... AAAH PUT HIM IN DAA CAMEL CLUTCH! Tazz calls him the original Human Suplex Machine. The inductees are paraded for the live crowd and all get their own entrance themes for once. Orton still sells interfering in his son's match. Ace.
* It's World Title time! The slow build to Batista leaving Evolution was tremendous. He won the Rumble and Flair and Trips tried manipulating him into challenging JBL but he was having NONE of it in a brilliant contract signing segment that spawned the famous "Thumbs up? Thumbs down!". Dave even broke the sledgehammer over his knee. This whole build did a brilliant job of getting Batista over as a babyface that doesn't stand any nonsense.
Main Event: World Heavyweight Championship Match - Triple H (C) (w/ Ric Flair) vs Batista
Oh boy, Motörhead play Triple H to the ring. Lemmy gives no fucks about the lyrics. WHOPPER mutton chops on Hunter's face. Batista's machine gun war dance isn't as good without pyro but he still got a great reaction. King: "Triple H obviously taught Batista everything he knows. But he didn't teach Batista everything Triple H knows."
Big stare down to start draws Batista chants. Dave looks smug and Trips looks unnerved. First lock up is a stalemate, but Batista powers out of the next and knocks H down hard escaping a headlock. It takes an extra run up but Hunter knocks Dave down. Pedigree... Dave shoves him off into a Gorilla Press Slam. Dave: "C'mon!" BAACK body drop. H comes back with a high knee to send Batista out. Flair distracts him so Trips sneaks behind to send him to the steps. Batista struggle back in the ring and H levels him with a second rope elbow. He chokes Dave then distracts the ref so Naitch can too.
H works the back. Suplex coming up... woah, and a beauty! He follows with a backbreaker and draws the ref away again for more Flair choking. Batista fights back but gets hit with a MASSIVE spinebuster for 2 (three times). Neckbreaker by HHH who asks Dave "Ya OK champ?" Batista backdrops out of the Pedigree but falls to a facebreaker for 2. For some reason Trips goes up top, and just leaps into a clothesline. Sidewalk slam gets 2 by Dave. He runs into a boot charging to the corner, but hangs on from the whip to send Hunter over the top. H fights back and sends him to the steps. Pedigree on the steps... countered to a catapult into the post! Hunter blades!
Dave goes for the kill, whacking Trips into the steps. The crowd count along as he clubs the wound, then kicks his face off and gets hard corner clotheslines. Front powerslam! 1, 2, no. Naitch tries a cheapshot and pays for it. H was going to hit Batista with a chair outside but in a dramatic/hilarious spot the ref LEAPS FROM THE APRON to disarm him and sells like death! Flair tries a belt shot back in ring and gets spinebustered! As the ref gets him out, Trips hits Dave with the belt! BOO! 1, 2... NO. The ref's out from the kick out. Spinebuster by Batista! Batista Bomb... low blow by H! Pedigree... Dave powers out of Hunter's grip and hits him with White Noise! Shake the ropes! Thumbs up? Thumbs down! Batista Bomb! 1... 2... 3!!! JR: "The BEAST has been unleashed."
Winner: Batista (new champion, first reign)
Verdict: 7/10. Much better than I remember. The pace was a bit deliberate and Dave could have shown a bit more urgency capitalising on Trips being busted open, but it wasn't a chore to watch and proved to be a simple story told well that got Batista over wonders.
Final Thoughts: My intro probably gave it away but I bloody love this show. It really did restore my faith in wrestling. Two sheer classics in the debut Money in the Bank and the HBK-Angle dream match, two thoroughly rewarding outings from Eddie and Rey and Orton and Taker, some good fun with Austin in Piper's Pit and two fresher characters getting established as the men to lead the company into the future - Batista overcoming Triple H's months of manipulation in a solid outing and Cena finally ending JBL's unpopular run (which was much more satisfying than the actual match which was poorly booked). TL,DR: A brilliant undercard supporting two younger guys arriving as players, one of my favourite Wrestlemanias. Please watch.
